Where There Is Shadow There Is Light

They are more

2011-05-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

A song for all of our kids... Because they are more.

The scars of the storms

2011-05-01T09:07:00.000-07:00

As you all know, on Wednesday April 27, Alabama was raped and ravaged, chewed up and spit out, by storms that would challenge a Hollywood special effects department. This isn’t just high winds and thunder storms folks…this is houses, neighborhoods, communities that have been put through a blender and chopped to bits and spewed out again. It is horrific and those who lived through it and are living in it still will never forget or erase the scars it will leave on their memories and souls.

Less than a week later this historical event has begun to fall from the headlines and other events and daily life has seeped in to replace it, but in Alabama the destroyed communities are still in search and rescue mode. They are still tallying the dead and retrieving personal property and seeking a place to stay until they have a home again. In time more of life will push this tragedy farther and farther away from the thoughts of those who are not affected. They will forget. Not so for the victims. The survivors will never forget.

It is the same for families of children with severe emotional disturbances. Especially for those families who suffer violence, and loss at the hands of their children. To have to call the police on your child, or see a child arrested or place a child in a hospital or a residential facility, or lose a child to the system… it crushes your heart and saps your soul of life. It rips apart your dreams and hopes. As a parent you realize how short and precious a childhood is and your heart screams at the child…at God… to please stop! Just trust…please just listen… please believe that I love you and will never leave. Relax and enjoy these few years that you have. Heal and rebuild your foundation so that you can step out into the world and be a happy, responsible and functional adult.

The day after the storms Bright-Eyes ran away. It was the third time within a couple weeks. We have had to call the police on him. He says he wants to die. He claims he does not want to be here with us. We are broken and shattered beyond comprehension. His psychiatrist and therapist are seeing him with new eyes and asking if there is some attachment issue that has been hidden.

My soul screams “NO!” Not this child…not the one adopted as a newborn. I set out to build bonds with this one. I carried him, not in my belly but in a sling throughout his infancy. I made eye contact and built trust; I played with him and bounced him laughing and singing. He was attached… I know it…I want to believe it. He hugged us and cuddled, he sought us out when he was afraid…didn’t he? I am having trouble remembering now.

As a toddler he always ran away. He was never bothered by our absence. He would race off in stores and playgrounds while other children clung to their parents and stayed close. As a preschooler however, he became clingy…very clingy. Was he too clingy? Throughout his childhood he had to live in the trauma-filled warzone that was created by his brothers’ struggles with their own demons. I tried to protect him, but standing in the way of flying chairs, Tonka trucks and legos is a war zone still. Either the child is the target of their mother is.

So much anger at the older boys for harming their brother… so much guilt for even adopting him. So many questions about why God allowed this when HE knew what would happen.

How much of this is the fault of my choice?

Would he have been ok in another home?

Will he be ok now?

Will he grow up and have a life, or will he bounce in and out of hospitals trying to find help and stability?

Like the storm victims (and forgive me for the comparison) many don’t see our loss. Most don’t acknowledge it…a few say they are sorry and offer help, but as time goes by daily life fills their thoughts and they forget.

For a few, they don't even understand why we would be in pain and our saddness disturbs them. They find it dramatic and irritating.

For us, this is our life. The pain is in our faces from the moment we wake up. The empty rooms and empty beds are tombstones in the graveyard of our hopes. The empty chairs at the table make us retreat to the living room to eat our meals in front of a TV that can distract us from our pain.

We cannot forget. The tornado victims cannot forget. Loss brands the soul and marks each person as altered and different than they were. It’s a secret scar that others cannot see unless they choose to open the eyes of their hearts.

To help the Alabama storm victims go here http://alabamapossible.org/2011/04/tornado-relief-how-you-can-help/

On Display

2011-04-05T08:22:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday I was reminded of an episode of the Twighlight Zone...it was the one where two astronauts (weren't like 97.5% of shows written about aliens and space travel...Obsessive!) crashed onto an alien planet. One of them was unconscious but the other one was "helped" by the natives. He was given a custom built home that was designed according to the images in him mind... then he discovered that it wasn't a home. It was a cage...with bars...and an observation window. He was in a zoo and on display for all to watch.

So on Wednesday, we had a visit with middle. We were meeting at the local McDonalds because we have supervised visits again...due to his aggression supposedly. This week his regular SW was sending a volunteer.

They arrived late (no visit has ever begun on time) and middle obviously did not want to be there. The volunteer introduced herself and then kept talking... so I let middle-one go get a snack and chatted with her. She was nice and working on her degree also (so she isn't a SW yet). Then middle came back and sat down and the volunteer sat in the table across from us, turned toward us, leaned out and began actively watching, listening and taking notes on our visit. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The regular SW sits in another part of the dining area and makes phone calls. He doesn't even listen or watch.

I began trying to engage middle but he wouldn't talk and wouldn't make eye contact, was being rude and kept saying he was bored. I kept trying to be upbeat and encouraging.... this woman interrupted and asked

"Would you like it if we went to the park?"

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm.......No!"

I was so shocked!! He is 15 y/o and it was just him and me. Going to the park would mean he could further ignore me and not interact at all.

But, then he was even more bored and mom was the bad guy!!!! Thanks a lot!!!

So middle decided to end the visit early. He didn't want to just sit and talk with me (surprise!!)...and without his brothers there he said he didn't want to visit. He wouldn't talk to me about anything and I found it VERY difficult to try to make conversation when I felt like I was a lab specimen... it was humiliating too.

I hadn't seen middle in two weeks. I may not see him next week because if Bright-Eyes decides not to go then I will need to stay home with him and Mr. T will go... Ebear refuses to see middle at all anymore.

*sigh*

4 months later...

2011-03-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

Well, life is hard, filled with loss and grief.

Middle is gone. He lives in a foster home now and (the plan is) will until he is aged out of the system. We figure he will be on our doorstep then.

The foster home is in direct opposition to the recommendations of two therapist. Middle's long term AT and the abuse counselor the court ordered to do the Domestic Violence Assessment. On both recommendations, in BIG BOLD letters it states that this child should only be in a long term residential facility with consistent structure and ongoing treatment.

So... he is in a regular foster home with younger children (he even shares his room with younger children!!) He walks to and from school. He is allowed to be unsupervised and has less structure than he did at home and he isn't even going to therapy yet (arrested November 1, placed in foster home on January 6)

How did this happen, you ask... it was a DHR bait & switch. We went to court and the judge didn't want to keep Middle in juvenile any longer so released him into the clutches...err... custody of DHR, with the understanding that it was to find him an appropriate placement. They placed him in his old foster home "temporarily" until they could find a placement... silly us!! We believed them!!!

They never even looked. We had a placement in line. There was an opening and all they needed was a DHR referral. They didn't even call. As soon as Middle was placed they declared that he was doing well in this placement and at that point he could not be moved to a moderate of intensive placement because he was functioning in a basic level placement.

So, as long as Middle is reported to (and remember, this is very different than what might actually be happening) be doing well he will remain there.

So... the charges have been dropped, the case was dismissed and my knife wielding child resides in a suburb surrounded by children.

Yep...somewhere in that darkness is light. My quest is to find it......

I am so stressed

2010-11-28T19:40:00.000-08:00

The holiday is over. The weekend is ending. December 1 is approaching. Wednesday is Court.

I can barely breath.

We still don't know what to do or what will happen.

We were given the past month to find a place for him to go. But without funding there was no place. The Multi-Needs team won't even talk to us because with charges pending they won't fund.

We can let DHR take custody again, but the GAL wants to return him to the previous facility and that is NOT a good thing.

We spent the past year and a half fighting to regain custody after refusing to bring him home because he was dangerous.

I do not want to bring him back home (How can we even consider doing that to the other kids!?!?!). But I do not want to lose custody of him either.

I'm his mother. I understand him. I know he is afraid and whether he admits it or not, he needs us.

It shouldn't be this way.

The collapse of the coaster

2010-11-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

Roller coasters are precarious creations. They require careful engineering, balance must be exact. The speed calculated to the millisecond. The materials chosen for durability and function. Even the design must be executed scientifically. If anything is off, even a hair-breath off, it could lead to certain death.

A month ago today we were cresting the first of a smaller hill. Three days straight of Middle-one following his goals. Good behavior! Peace!! Hope!!!

Then we dropped into a dip... it was a short dip but a 90 degree drop. Middle went over the edge and tried to get physical with Mr. T. However, the only casualty were Mr. T's glasses and we began to ascend a new and higher crest. Eight straight days of goal following goodness!!!! Heaven in our house! My heart sored. Had we broken through I wondered... hoped...believed. Our AT cautioned not to get too excited as she wasn't seeing the necessary cause & effect thinking yet.

Then there was a move forward in therapy. He cooperated! Middle-One opened up. He looked me in the eye and talked about his birth mom!!!!!!... now it was just for a second, but it was a move... maybe it was the beginning of healing....maybe

Then it all began to come apart... maybe a bolt slipped... maybe the speed was too much... maybe there was a crack in the rail. I don't know, but it all began to crumble.

His behavior began to worsen... just a little more each day. We tried to regain the balance and speed, but we couldn't get a hold on it. The ride was out of control and all we could do was watch and wait for it to come to a stop.

It crashed on Monday evening. Middle was to do extra chores when he got home from school. It was his idea for making restitution to his brothers for some disruptive behavior on Saturday. But when he couldn't convince me he had done the chores and avoid doing them, he got angry and decided that nothing mattered anymore anyway so why try.

After five hours of holding us hostage by doing oppositional, destructive and dangerous things (requiring that we chase him and stop him) while Bright-Eyes hid out behind my locked bedroom door, he got physical and then included knives in his antics... when he pointed a knife at Ebear I called the Sheriff's Department.

He was arrested. We went to court on Wednesday morning. It was decided that he is too dangerous to be here and we were given the arduous task of finding a placement for him in 30 days. We return to court on December 1, hopefully with a plan.

The roller coaster is in pieces now. It lies scattered and piled like the bone pile in a dragon's lair. Our hope twisted in the ragged railing.

Yzma, put your hands in the air!

2010-10-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

The ride has left the station... ascended to the first pinnacle and spilled over into that first breath-sucking plunge... but tonight it leveled out around a soft curve and we could see the beautiful scenery and hear the birds...

Tonight, Middle talked to me... No, I meant REALLY talked to me!!!!! He had been horrible. Life here with him had been unbearable. He seemed to be feeding off of our misery and we were ready for him to just be gone again.

Then, without warning, he stepped out of the RAD skin and appeared to me in his true original form. That of a boy. He began to tell me that he was afraid and it was hard not to be. He admitted to not trusting us and that it was hard to trust. He confessed that he wanted to trust us but didn't always know how.

He talked about how he didn't want to make us feel afraid. Especially Bright-Eyes. He cried while he spoke about how he didn't want to hit any of us and how he tried and worked to keep from doing that. He said he wanted to be with us and didn't like to be separated in his room because it reminded him of the time-out room at facilities. He said that sometimes when we got mad at him that it reminded him of staff at facilities and he didn't like that, but he knew he did things to make us mad.

He also took responsibility for the behavior he had demonstrated as of late. He talked about his feelings during the behavior but was quick to say that he was still responsible for acting like he did.

He assured me that he does really love us and he wants to have a good life, but sometimes he acts up and gets mad and gets "lost" in the mad. He said he feels like his day is ruined then so why change.

He said he doesn't want to be a criminal and end up in juvenile detention. He wants to trust us.

He had burned his finger tonight on a hot pan that I had warned him about... he had to touch it when I said it was hot. He told me that if he had only trusted me he would not have burned his finger.

So... the roller coaster took the gentle turn and began another climb... I can't see around the next bend but a friend of mine reminded me tonight that the ride isn't over. While we catch our breath on the slow curves, RADs find them the most frightening part of the ride... so throw your hands in the air and prepare... to... SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!!

The lowest lows and the highest highs

2010-10-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Talk about roller coasters (and yes, we were talking about roller coasters.... RAD *is* a roller coaster!) It has been a non-stop one here, for the past week.

Middle-One had been climbing, dropping, flipping and spiralling out of control for a while now. His behavior had escalated to an extreme state of all-the-time deregulation. Last Tuesday he spent four hours controlling the house while Bright-Eyes holed up in my room behind a locked door and I stood guard. Four... hours........... he watched TV, he played video games, he went through drawers (pulled out a long screwdriver) and ate the ice cream. It was a free for all. Until Wednesday...

On Wednesday Middle came home from school to find that all of the TV and video game stuff had been taken out of the living room and all of his possessions had been removed from his room. No stuff, except what is essential... a blanket, one pillow, deodorant, toothpaste & brush. We told him we would give him clothes daily. We also explained that with each day that he followed his goals, he would get one item back.

"can I pick the one item?"

"No"

The next three days were heavenly. It defies explanation. We had a polite, respectful, attentive, caring, remorseful child. I don't know how... but we saw it with out own eyes. He did his chores. He did extra chores. He was given little bits of privileges (10 minutes of outside time, some quiet reading time) no TV, no playing with friends or his brother. He didn't seem to mind. He actually sat and talked to us... astounding!!!!! Our AT just told us to enjoy it while it lasts.

Today was the fourth day. The end of heaven. The day the music died.......

Today he got bored. Oh whoa is meeeeeeeeeee...... there is nothing to do... well there is reading... well he did get to go outside for longer. But, it's not enough. He got bored. It was out fault (isn't everything really?).

We could see things going south and we tried to talk to him and help him stay on track but there was no preventing this train from derailing.

When he exploded he really exploded.

He banged on a Plexiglas window until he pushed out the window frame and bent the pane. He tried to hit Mr. T (Mr. T blocked it)and grabbed Mr. T's reading glasses off his face and crumbled them (yes Really!!!) in his fist.

Mr. T ended up restraining Middle until I came arrived on the scene.

I wonder if we will climb back up now, or go into a spin... I HATE roller coasters!!!!

Today in Attachment Therapy

2010-10-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

Middle-One decided he was done. At the end of his rope. Had gone as far as he could go. He came to a hurdle that is too high.

Therapy (for him) is over.

He can not face the emotional darkness that is his birthmother.

Like magic, when she is discussed, he shuts down. Today AT wanted to try again to get him to talk about her and his feelings. He wouldn't. He simply said he couldn't do it.

She explained to him that this means he doesn't want to join his family and get better. He shrugged and reiterated that he couldn't.

You can take a horse to water... you can pour it on him, sprinkle him with it, even submerge him in it...but you can not make him drink.

AT and i discussed ways of keeping the refreshment of the water ever present and available. Waiting for a break in his shield or a chink in his armour. We will hope that one day he will drink.

Until then, therapy (for him) is over. He will go to session and AT will ask him if he is ready yet to work. If he says no, it's no.

We will pray for the day that he say "yes", and hope we make it to that day.

Court and custody

2010-09-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

We went to court again yesterday, we had full custody reinstated to us.

No, no, no... congratulatory gifts are not necessary.....really! Just donate something in our names to the Get-Rid-of-RAD foundation...What??? No such foundation exists????????

hmmmmmmmmmm

Random RADness

2010-09-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

Middle-one needed note cards for school. His teacher told them that they would need to get some for Science class. Middle was so concerned about this that he asked Ms. Teacher to email me to let me know. She did. I confirmed that they were just your average, standard, white, 3x5 index cards. She said, they were.

That was Friday...

All weekend we heard...

"I need note cards for school"
"don't forget to get my note cards for school"
"My teacher said that I had to have note card Monday"
"Can we go get my note cards now?"
"If you go to the store, don't forget to get my note cards"

:o)

Trouble trusting son?

So, being awesome parents and all, on Sunday, Mr. T got Middle his note cards. I put them in his backpack.

Sunday night was filled with...

"Did you put my note card in my backpack?"
"Where are my note cards?"
"I have to check to see if my note cards are in my backpack"
"I can't forget to take my note cards to school"

ummmmmmm.......yeah.

After school on Monday, I'm checking Middle's backpack and low&behold.....there is a lovely, multi-colored, spiral note card book in his backpack...right next to his new, unopened pack of cards that we provided...I take the bait and ask...

"Middle, where did these note cards come from?"

"My teacher bought some in case someone forgot to bring theirs and I asked if I could have one and she said I could"

"Oh"

And the colors do match the large, 5 subject, spiral notebook he conned out of her, so nicely too.

Heather Forbes Mom's (online) Conference

2010-09-15T06:32:00.000-07:00

Well there ya go! A conference I can get to!!

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/momsconference/

An eye for an eye, a cone for a cone

2010-09-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

Restitution is a great tool for parenting RAD kids (well any kids actually). But after a while having a kid work and work ...and work............and woooooooorkkkkk, to earn money to pay for -fill in the blank-, loses it's power a bit.

Sometimes you just need to cut to the punch.

So this week we learned that Middle-One had been using his lunch account (which is actually the money the school district paid back to us when his free-lunch forms were finally approved) to buy rounds of ice cream in the lunch room...yeah, we're pretty proud of those social skills ;o) Now he has LOTS of friends.

We got the printout from the cafeteria and had the proof and the amount. We could have added it to his work log and given him more chores... but ya know, we just didn't want to.

We talked to our AT and came up with this plan... We calculated the total that he spent. We added in ice cream and cones (to equal the total spent) into the grocery shopping and brought them home.

When it was time for ice cream, Middle said

"I'm going to finish my chore and then have my ice cream"

I replied with...

"Oh I'm sorry sugar, the ice cream is for your brothers"

"What?!?!?"

"Yes, since you have been eating ice cream at school... a LOT of ice cream too, we felt that it was only fair for them to have ice cream too"

"WHAT?!?!?!"

"You have been very concerned lately about things being fair. This is only fair after all"

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

"And sweetie, if you would like a dessert, we have bananas and fruit cups"

*smile*

He left his chore undone and stomped to his room with the announcement that he was going to bed.

Sweet dreams

Random RADness

2010-09-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

Most of these are humorous. This one is not.

This morning, Middle-One woke up with a stuffy head and a scratchy throat. Normally he doesn't even let on that he doesn't feel good. So when he came in and told me while I was making breakfast I guessed that he REALLY didn't feel well. It was fairly obvious that he was feeling pretty miserable.

We decided he would stay home from church and later, after breakfast, he just broke down in tears saying

"I don't like not feeling good, I don't want to be sick"

Mr. T and Ebear both looked at me and asked what was up with the tears.

My guess.... Being sick makes you vulnerable. You lose control. If you really don't feel well you have to depend on others to take care of you. You have to trust. For a kid who can't trust it can be a pretty scary thing.

Fortunately Middle has a good caring mom who took good care of him while everyone else went to church. ;o)

Inconsistent Consistency

2010-09-05T07:56:00.000-07:00

In traditional parenting it is so crucially important to be consistent. Always! Follow through with immediate consequences every time it’s needed. Developmentally normal children will eventually catch on and develop the cause and effect that is part of the natural social and emotional development that God created.

I have memories of whole days trying to be the consistent parent while my boys would just go through the behavior chart and do everything they weren’t supposed then come and tell me what I was supposed to do because of their behavior. I was their puppet. I was a confused puppet because all I had learned about parenting was that if we were consistent in our responses to behavior then they would learn eventually.

Guess what… they NEVER learned!! I wore myself out being consistent.

With RAD kids, the 100% consistent and immediate response just provides another avenue of control so we have to flip that to effectively parent.

RAD kids need consistency but they don’t need to always have predictable consequences. It helps them to think and develop cause & effect if we can keep them guessing. So RAD parents sometimes practice consistency, inconstantly.

Simply put that means we will always do *something* but they won’t always know what we are going to do. Our therapist has said we really can do anything. We are the parents and whatever we decide on for a consequence (remaining within the legal and moral realms) is good.

In the times that I have been on top of my game I have provided crazy and humorous consequences. “Stop, or I will tap dance!!” … That almost always elicits a laugh and it does provide cause & effect. And nurturing consequence; “You obviously need to be tickled/hugged/filled with sweetness (given something sweet to eat). During times of extreme frustration (mine) or complete deregulation (theirs) I have just reached into their room and taken something. Even a pencil lost, is a consequence. It doesn’t have to be something of value, it just has to be something that I, the mom, decided to do. The more it leaves them wondering what in the world we are doing, the better. So break the pattern, be inconsistent and make them think.

.

Random RADness

2010-08-30T15:07:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, at therapy, Middle-One was ranting and raving about how mean I was and how I was on his case and expected so much from him (it's a good thing our AT knows both me and the disorder LOL).

AT asked for specific examples so Middle tells her that every day, when he comes in from school I meet him at the door and give him a hug... and expect for him to hug me... he was serious.

It really is hard to contain oneself at times, especially when accused of such horrendous acts!!! ;o)

A Mystery

2010-08-27T03:50:00.000-07:00

It was a dark and stormy night... well, ok, it wasn't stormy. But this is the tropic south so it just as easily could have been.

I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by a sharp knock-knock-knock at my bedroom door. Rolling over, I glanced through one open eye, at the clock. 4:34.... ugh!!!

"Yes?"

I heard Middle-One call back.

"Mommy???"

"Yes???"
(who else could it be really?)

"Mommy the pantry light is burning."

I stumbled to the door, flipped the hook & eye lock and opened the door. Middle-one was standing in the hallway.

"What?"

"Precious (the dog) was scratching at my door so I came to get the leash to tie her up and noticed that the light bulb was black"

"Ok... (thinking... thinking...) Ok... go back to bed. you're not supposed to be up tying the dog up anyway. (Ummmmmmmm... really?... Really???)"

Middle goes (a little too) obediently to his room and gets back in bed. I go to the kitchen to check on the light bulb. Yep, burned up alright. It's Cajun-blackened! I remove the bulb with he help of a cleaning rag. Thinking that I will have Mr. T examine it later, I slip quietly back into my room and place it on the bookcase.

Going back out into the hall I notice that the house smells like smoke. The pantry light fixture feels hot to touch. I worry that maybe the wiring in this old house is on fire (It is the middle of the night after all so my suspicious thoughts are still asleep). As I become more conscience, I notice a "smokey" smell throughout the house.

(Is it getting worse?)

I begin to examine every room, feeling walls, smelling, trying lights.

(seems ok, but what is that smell)

I walk through again, discerning that the smell is strongest in the kitchen and the hallway. I return to the pantry and with two open eyes I begin to really look...

(how did that box of matches get on the spice shelf?... and where are all the matches)

I start digging around the pantry.

(no matches. Where did they go?)

I look into the garbage can...

(Ebear's pill bottle?... he didn't finish these. Did he?)

I'm getting more confused. I retrieve the pill bottle and the nearly empty box of matches and add those to the light bulb.

Now I am fully awake and in sleuth mode. I'm seeking the clues because that's how we roll... Yeah, me and Nancy Drew, we tight dude!

There is a Febreeze can on the dining room table

(was that there a minute ago?)

I pick it up...

(Empty!?!?..... where did the Fabreeze go....)

Added the bottle to the growing pile of clues.

Hmmmmmmmmmm....
I have a suspect. I have the clues...I'm seeing a possible solution. But I don't think I really have the technology to prove it (got to refill the CSI kit). A confession is unlikely so a confrontation; useless.

It will remain a mystery... for now.

(I think it's time for coffee....)

Revelations

2010-08-26T07:21:00.000-07:00

I do my best praying and praising while driving. In fact I may do my *only* praying and praising then. My children know that I often cry while I’m driving but they don’t always know what is taking place in my heart and mind. Recently, while driving in the van, feeling particularly bitter and resentful about Middle-One, and this disorder that fills our world, I cried out to the Lord…

Lord, why does he push us away. Why won’t he trust us? We just want a relationship with him, how hard can that be? He spouts bitterness and anger every waking minute but I have not harmed him, in fact I have done nothing but love him. He won’t talk or share anything about his life. He won’t ask or listen. Doesn’t he realize that he can’t keep the secrets? He is a child, we are his parents…Doesn’t he know that we can see into his life. He won’t open up and reveal his hopes, dreams, feelings or thoughts. He won’t spend time with us. He makes petty decisions for himself living in the illusion that he is in control.

It’s silly for a child to think he can take care of himself. He can’t go it alone… doesn’t he see all that we do for him?

We just want to care for him. To love him and bless him. His disobedience robs him of the blessings we plan. We just want to know him. To lead him and guide him.

We have always been here. No matter where he has gone or what he has done, we have been constant and faithful. Does that not count?

We have laid down our lives for this child. Why can’t he see that?

In my heart of hearts, I heard…

Tammy… why have you pushed me away. Why don’t you trust me? I just want a relationship with you, how hard can that be? Why don’t you talk to me or share things about your life? Why do you spout bitterness and anger every waking minute. I have not harmed you, in fact, I have done nothing but love you. You don’t talk to me or share yourself with me, you don’t ask or listen. Yet, you are my child, I am your FATHER…Do you not know that I can see into your life, into the depths of your heart? Do you think you can keep secrets from me? Why don’t you reveal your hopes, dreams, feelings and thoughts to me? You won’t spend time with me. You make petty decisions for yourself, living in the illusion that you are in control.

It is silly child, for you to believe you can care for yourself. You can’t go it alone. Don’t you see all that I do for you?

I just want to care for you… to love you, and to bless you but your disobedience robs you of the blessing I have planned. I want to know you and lead you and guide you.

I have always been here for you. No matter where you have gone or what you have done. I am constant and faithful. Does THAT not count?

I have laid down my life for you, my child. Why can’t you see that?

Therapeutic Parenting Fun!

2010-08-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

Parenting a child with attachment difficulties is challenging. It's walking on eggshell, weighing every word and ignoring all of the natural emotions and reaction they provoke in you... every waking minute!! It is tossing all the conventional parenting methods out the window and learning new skills that go against logic and reason.

Occasionally, however, there are moments of fun and humor.

Sometime when we all "join in" a behavior it can be uproariously fun. Sometime prescribing a behavior has been fun. There are times when we have total recall and say just the right thing and see a connect that actually make Mr. T and I high-five in celebration.

The most recent fun we have been having is with nurturing.

When Middle-One is looking for a fight and has that look in his eyes that screams disgust and distrust, we have been moving in and giving him lots of loving eye contact, soft reassuring words, physical contact (a quick touch or squeeze because he recoils).

It has him totally freaked out right now! He is trying for and expecting anger and getting nurturing and comfort. He doesn't have any idea what we are doing and it has him wild eyes and watchful.

This week he was trying very hard to make me angry. We were sitting in chairs facing each other and I reached out and tapped his knee. He "wiped" away my touch. I tapped him again and he "wiped" it away again. So I smiled, laughed, leaned in and began "tickling" him and telling him that I loved him and understood that it was scary to come back home but that it was ok and we were going to take care of him.

It just threw him off completely sitting back, with a baffled, uneasy look he asked.

"WHAT are you doing!?!"

LOL... I'm helping you to attach, dear son... and enjoying the process

Back to school: Teacher/School Information on Reactive Attachment Disorder

2010-08-19T07:42:00.001-07:00

This is going up a little bit later than I planned but it's still early enough to print and get into the hands of the educators.

There is a risk associated with sharing this information. If the school/educator is going to view this in a negative light and blame the parent, this can backfire on you. A dear Friend of mine had that happen and was subjected to a CPS investigation. She ended up pulling her little munchkin out of school (where he had conned and charmed the teachers so that they thought his parents were abusive). The parents were cleared but they now home school, sacrificing their sanity for their freedom.

That said just to warn you of what could happen. I still advocate educating the masses. Tell them! Scream it from the rooftops. Share share share!!!!! The only way the world will understand is if we speak.

These are links to some wonderful information.

This one helps to really understand where the child is coming from...
http://www.adoption-research.org/pac.html

This article explains more about attachment...
http://www.attach.org/whatisattachment.htm

This is the home page for the national Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children...
http://www.attach.org/

This site has great, printer-friendly (professional looking) articles. Specifically one entitled Oil & Water, that is a great resource for teachers.
http://www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com/

Another site with teacher/school information
http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/

Try not to overwhelm a teacher. They are probably already buried in IEPs and behavior plans if they are taking on your precious cherub ;o) I would suggest asking them what they know about RAD first. Let them lead you. If they are open to learning, share a little more. If they say they don't have time, just offer one good article to be read or skimmed, at their convenience. Try to stick to the articles written professionally, rather than the mom-to-mom web sites. They are just going to be better received.

Happy School Year!!!

The Duck Song

2010-08-16T19:29:00.000-07:00

I just HAD to share this... It's a RAD duck!!!!

Random RADness

2010-08-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

RAD kids triangulate. They pit parent against parent, parent against sibling, parent against neighbor (seeing a pattern here?)

On Wednesday Middle-One came home. On Thursday Middle-One began school. Never one to procrastinate and delay hard work, by Friday he had begun to pit parent against teacher.

I received a very concerned email from his sweet teacher. She had noticed that Middle squinted a lot and could not see the board. When she asked him about this he told her that he had glasses but not with him. I don't know what else might have been said but her email to me was a plea to understand how important it is for Middle to have his glasses at school with him and would I please make sure that he had the corrective eye ware he needed.

Hmmmmm... is there any reason why a caring mom would *not* let her child have the glasses he so needed?

The kicker?... He doesn't have glasses :o)

He does need them. He "loses" any pair of glasses that he gets and the last pair was lost (we think) last fall. We were never told that they were missing and no one made an effort to replace them or help keep Middle accountable for them.

Now that he is back home we have an eye appointment set for him with a plan to make sure he has the glasses he needs.

I tried not to be too defensive when I shared that with his teacher, after all, she hasn't realized yet that the harness just clicked locked and the roller coaster car just began it's ascent .

Bless her heart ;o) It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Asking questions....

2010-08-13T06:31:00.000-07:00

One of my boys' main goals is *ASKING*. Our motto is; We ask for what we want and need.

However, asking someone for something requires trusting them. It requires being willing to hear and accept whatever answer they will give you. For a child with RAD this is very hard to do. To ask means risking that the person will take control and decide in a way that isn't what they are seeking. They lose control.

Often a child with Attachment Disorder will use manipulation to get what they want. Saying things like

"I sure am thirsty"

This makes most loving adults want to water the dehydrated little creature. Without the child having to trust.

We do get a lot of questions... usually questions for things that we have said "no" to already.

"Can I play a video game?"

"We don't play video games until after our school and chores are done"

"...so can I play a video game?"

"NO!"

"Why not......?"

Or...

(at bed time) "Can I iron my clothes?"

"It's bedtime."

"But, can I iron my clothes?"

"You can't iron your clothes in bed and it is bed time, you should have asked earlier when we told you to get your clothes ready"

"You want me to wear wrinkled clothes!!!!"

..........

See... LOTS of questions. (and obviously very little listening) They just aren't the questions they are supposed to ask. Those questions, when they attempt to ask, sound like this...

"I was going to ask if I could get a water bottle from the fridge"

or...

"I wondered if you have seen my pencil"

Did you see a question mark in there?... Yeah, me either.

A questions would go like this...

"Mom, may I get a water bottle from the fridge?"

or...

"Mom, have you seen my pencil?"

Yep, I think we need to practice asking questions.

Meeting adjourned

2010-08-11T17:56:00.000-07:00

The ISP is over.

Middle-One now lives at home again. We will have custody reinstated at the end of next month, in court.

Mr. T went to this meeting because I just couldn't be subjected to the bickery atmosphere of one of them again. Ironically he power dressed in a shirt and tie, went in there without our AT (she couldn't make it at the last minute) and didn't have a single problem with anyone. ....We could analyze that one to death.

We asked for...

Funding for continued therapy, an intensive (with out therapist) and help with tutoring and activities.

We got....

Funding for continued therapy, a possibility on the intensive but no guarantees, funding for extra curricular and tutoring, money for school clothes, vouchers for ALL of the boys. His SS and Medicaid cards, a letter to enroll him in school (ummm... starts tomorrow) and an open door to ask for anything else we think of.

Best part...The FCP is OUT OF OUR LIVES!!!!!!! No contact at all.

The flip side of that...No more safety net.

Four years ago Middle tried to kill Bright-Eyes in a violent rage. We thought he would never come home. He's home.

Tomorrow we will all begin a new season together. Only God knows what's in store. Now if I could just trust Him with my tomorrow like I want Middle to trust us.

Here we go, here we go, here we go....................

And on the bright side

2010-08-09T21:42:00.001-07:00

Today was a long, difficult, frustrating day.

It felt like swimming in quicksand, or herding cats or catching clouds. I didn't see any progress for all of my effort... at least not until the day was over and I could look back at the big picture, with a calm mind.

It occured to me that even though Bright-Eyes was totally deregulated, he didn't run away. At one point, after a paticularly explosive moment, he was fuming and kneeling on the couch, glaring over the back of it and out the window. Using a technique that Christine (at http://www.welcometomybrain.net/) talks about on her video; The Power Of Being Present,

I walked in and sat down next to Bright and didn't say a word.... after a few minutes I simply said "I know this is hard" then I shut my mouth and waited..................and waited....................and waited....................... then...his body language began to change................ then he lowered himself into a more relaxed position ............. then he turned around to sit on the couch next to me............. then he moved closer................................... THEN HE LEANED HIS HEAD AGAINST MY SHOULDER!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY JELLY BEANS!!!! IT WORKED!!!!!!! He calmed down and began to to talk.

Now, he didn't remain calm (I'm all ready to write about a divine miraculous healing, but this wasn't it). He had some other episodes during the day and I forgot the joy of that moment... well...until now.

Then there was Middle... He was, most definatley, hypervigilant. He was, most certainly, full of questions and the need to control. He absolutely did stir up chaos and trouble, BUT.... he did all of his chores and his reading and journaling. He spent time, quietly, in his room while his brothers did their work. He even held it together when he wanted to watch TV or play a game and Bright was having some issues that kept Middle from being able to move on in his day. He almost lost it........ but he didn't....... HE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!! He held it together. *rapturous awe*

And, last but not least, Ebear. Ebear was sick today. He didn't do his chores and he didn't do any school work. He spent the day in bed or on the floor. BUT every time he was in the room with me, he sought comfort from me... this child who used to lock himself in the bathroom when he felt nauseous, push us away when he was hurt and never tell us when he was sick, today, came and leaned against me. He laid his head in my lap, reached out his hand to me and sought hug after hug... WHY?.... because he didn't feel good and he just wanted to be close to his mom.

:o)

Man!... sounds like a good day.

A Day of Disregulation

2010-08-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

It's not Middle-One!! It's Bright-Eyes.

From the moment he got up this morning and throughout the day, he has been opposed to every thing we ask and stand for.

I am done with the Therapeutic Parenting and at the point of just screaming randomly and pulling my hair out.

Tomorrow is another day

Random RADness

2010-08-08T07:22:00.000-07:00

Mr. T was taking the boys swimming. They had to do chores and get ready, which provided many opportunities for the self-sabotaging behaviors they so enjoy.

That's ok.. we decided they could go swimming no matter. It's good exercise, we need to use the Y membership... we both needed them to LEAVE US ALONE!!!!!!!!!!

As they are getting ready Ebear asked...

"Mom, does Middle need to keep using my other swimsuit? He has his here now and I would like mine back"

I looked up and noticed that Middle did indeed have on his brother's navy swim trunks instead of his signature Spiderman trunks.

"Middle, why are you wearing E's swim suit?"

He looks down with surprise...
"I didn't know...I thought these were mine"

"You know that he let you borrow them while your other clothes were at your foster home, but they are his. Go change into yours and give them back"

"But I can't wear the others!"

"Why not?"

"They have holes in them!"

"Really, I hadn't noticed when we went through your clothes... go get them and bring them to me"

(Ooooops... did I just trust him for a second alone?)

After expressing his anger and irritation he retreats to his room where he takes an amazingly long time to grab a pair of swim trunks off the shelf and come back to where I am waiting for him...

Everyone is waiting and we call out to him, he calls back.

"I'm coming, I have to find them"

Mr. T and I head for his room where we see him in the corner holding the swim trunks in both hands.

"Bring them here!"

He holds the trunks up displaying a fresh tear in the crotch
"See, I can't wear these like this"

... Thank goodness there are linings in swimsuits because he DID wear them just like that

Got my Therapeutic on...Let the games begin!

2010-08-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

I have been helped, aided, supported and ministered to by watching Christine's Therapeutic Parenting videos (http://www.welcometomybrain.net/ ). I feel refreshed and energized in this mission. If you haven't watched them yet skip over there, get yourself something to sip and take a look at some encouraging wisdom.

Here's what happened... Bright-Eyes was helping me in the kitchen, per my request, and Middle was mad because kitchen is his zone this week but his brother was helping me for the moment. So he verbally attacked Bright-Eyes. Bright did not handle it well and threw some words back and suddenly Middle was the victim of a mean and heartless brother (all together now..... Awwwwwwwwww).

"see how he treats me... I didn't do a thing and he is yelling at me"

"What?!?, that wasn't YOU who spoke harshly, to Bright-Eyes?"

"No! I didn't say a word!"

"Wow!!... it sounded just like you!... are you sure you didn't speak?"

"Yes, he just started yelling at me for no reason!"

"Oh MY!!!... someone, who sounds just like you spoke to your brother... do you know what this means?"

... Middle begins looking at me with that "She's grown a third eye" look...

"What?"

I dropped what I was doing and placed my arms around Middle's shoulders...
"Someone, who sounds just like you, is in our house... we need to find them!!"

I led him to the dining room where Ebear was sitting waiting for breakfast...
"E, did you see someone in here who has your brothers voice?"

Looking a little confused, but playing along anyway...
"um, ... no ma'am"

Leading Middle to the Living room I asked Mr. T the same thing...
"No, no one in here"

We searched the house all the while I continued in a most exaggerated way, to convey my desire to keep him safe and protect him from the impostor even though I made him go into the rooms to look because that was the "gentleman like" thing to do ;o)

By the time we had finished Middle was giggling. I asked him what he thought might have happened.

"I don't know, I guess it was my evil twin"

"Well, I don't think you have a twin, so what do you really think might have happened?"

"I yelled at my brother"

"Hmmmm... I guess that would explain why he was yelling back at you"

"Yes"

... and we sat down and had breakfast (after he apologized to Bright)................... *look of amazement*

This morning when Middle-One began his controlling game playing, I was ready. I did NOT give him the fight he was seeking. We all ended up laughing at the crazy ridiculousness of his argument. Thanks Christine!

Visit #...whatever

2010-07-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

I have no idea anymore what number visit we are on. I lost count of them along with the therapy appointments.

At this point everything is blurring together into one fuzzy transition memory.

The most recent visit ended today. Middle-One has gone back to the foster home until Thursday.

It was a terrible, horrible,no good, very bad visit. Middle is now spending every waking minute trying to push us away with all of his might. It must hard being him. It has to be awful to be that afraid. To not trust the people who say they love you most. To feel the need to not only be in control of you, but to stay on top of everything everyone else is doing too. It must take a great deal of energy to fight, watch, stir up trouble and micromanage everyone at all times.

I can tell you that it most definitely is not fun for us!!!

It's respite time

Random RADness

2010-07-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

You have heard the phrase "He will cut off his nose to spite his face". I never really understood that until I began parenting RAD kiddos.

Middle loves to be outside. Even in the sub-tropical wet heat of Alabama he will be outside in long pants and a black shirt and not seem to notice. He will be outside for hours. He will play with others or alone.

So it is a common tool for us to use the privilege of going outside to teach cause & effect (you do this you get that).

Middle began asking to go outside right after breakfast. He was reminded that we must do school and chores first and then we can play. He did his chores and returned...

"Can I go out now?"

"Did you do your reading and journalling?"

"NO!, do I have to do that today, I didn't think we had to do reading today"

"Yes, you do, we work then play"

He grumbles and whines but returns to his room and proceeds to read.

A few minutes later he returns and plops his journal and book down next to me and leaves. I look at his two sentence long journal entry and call him back.

"Tell me about the chapter you read"

He proceeds to try to convince me that he actually read it all but he obviously didn't so I send him back with book and journal... more whining and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

He returns... too quickly (No wonder I never get anything done during the day LOL).

We discuss the chapter and his *copied* journal entry again. I send him back... same ole, same ole.

He returns AGAIN... this time he discussed the entire chapter so I call it done.

"Can I go outside now?"

"Did you read your other book?"
(the first one is non-fiction, second one is fiction)

More whining........

He returns again, with book in hand.

"ok, mommy...NOW can I go outside?"
(at this point I and the other boys are so ready for him to go outside just so he isn't interrupting every 5-10 minutes)

Tell me about the chapter you read.
He tells me enough, so I say...

"Ok, you can get ready and go outside"

He pokes around his room and walks back and forth through the dining room where I am trying to work with Bright-Eyes. He ends up behind us watching Bright-Eyes do a lesson on the computer, I ask...

"Are you going outside?"

In his whiniest voice Middle pleads...
"Do I HAVE to go outside, can't I stay in?"

A peek into Attachment Therapy

2010-07-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

All the appointments have been similar recently. With Mr. T and I there has been a lot of strategy talk concerning ISPs and communication with the foster care provider and the SW. For the boys the same goals (ask & listen) are gone over. The same discussions (birth story, emotions and behavior) are repeated.

This week was different...

Actually over the past few weeks there has been a disintegration in waiting-room behavior. Therapy begins with "Family therapy" which takes place between the AT and the parents. The children's choices and behaviors are discussed before AT brings them in and begins to work with them (in our presence). This places us in the therapy room for 4-5 hours and the boys in the waiting room, just outside the door, for 4-5 hours. They are able to control their behavior, they have done so before. They are even encouraged to bring things to do with their time. They have, however, chosen the Lord Of The Flies way of life.

We began therapy with a summarizing of what we and AT had each heard concerning the ISP for placement. (which was that they can't find time to do it before school begins). We discussed the behavior of each child.

AT again reassuring us that Ebear is probably behaving as a normal teen and we are reacting to triggers every time he strays off the rigid path. In other words... Mom, Dad, Relax! ;o)

Middle-One is stressed because there is no placement date yet and no support or communication from the FCP so he has a foot in each camp and is being pulled like a wishbone. This results in freakishly controlling behaviors. Our instruction from AT is to remain in control at all times. If Middle refuses to quit arguing or follow instruction and follows me with the intent to keep poking and prodding until I explode, then I should not react by answering or responding to him but should instead provide some type of consequence. This consequence can be anything I choose...just so long as *I* choose it. Some suggestions were... to just hug and love on Middle and have him come sit with me, so pull him in when he is trying to make me push him away. Another is to just silently go to his room and take something... anything at all, doesn't matter what. Then encourage him to think and figure out why. I could also give him a chain-analysis sheet to complete to help him figure out why (he is not likely to actually do that LOL). And another is just do something off the wall... Mr. T suggested an Irish jig.... I'm liking that idea more and more. When in doubt, dance!

Bright-Eyes is living out of a duffel bag. Hasn't run, but wants us all to know that he can and will whenever he feels like it. He is in his "You can't make me" stance (rather unpleasant when we can't "make him" take a shower). AT told us to take his duffel bag and all of his clothes. *sigh* There are times when my heart just aches for this child and all he has been through, but those times are decreasing and being replaced with the desire to just get in his face and tell him to cut it out already and stop being a prima-dona!!!!!

Soon after we all began to talk, the noise level in the waiting-room began to rise. We were hearing things thrown and people slapped. Lots of arguing and some outrageously loud laughing. Mr T went out there the first time... I went out the second time. The third time AT asked if she could address the issue and let them have it!... didn't stop them.

We brought Bright-Eyes in and began working with him. During that time we had to continue addressing the older two (now this a a HEALING 16 y/o and a 14 y/o...so we aren't talking about toddlers! There were things thrown, a ball bouncing, wrestling, laughing, arguing...... At one point when we had corrected them again, Ebear got on board but Middle began playing with all the toys... LOUDLY!!!!!! AT corrected him AGAIN!

As you can imagine, it was ridiculously tiring and unproductive.

We took a lunch break. During this time Mr. T and I had the boys clean up the TRASHED waiting room. We passed out sandwiches, crackers and fruit and of course Middle wanted something different and wanted to sit with his feet stretched into the path of traffic. Sad... we are so hard on him. Feeding him food that he likes and expecting him to not trip others. It's hard being him.

When it was time to resume Middle feigned sleep (guess all that rough-housing and exaggerated play, wore him out). LOL. He stretched out on the couch (we have told him not to do this) he closed his eyes and pretended not to know that AT was back and it was his turn... ok, so be it... AT called the other two boys in to the therapy room and closed the door.

We had a rather enjoyable family session without Middle, for about an hour. AT talked with the other boys about how each of them was doing and how they perceived the behavior of each brother. Ebear really opened up and shared some deep feelings... He has come so far. At one point Middle knocked on the door to see what was going on and AT opened the door and told him that we were busy and closed the door. ...... Sometimes therapy is too enjoyable. ;o)

AT observed that the four of us, together, were loving and supportive and enjoyed each other's company. We talked about the difference in dynamics with and without Middle. We do hope he will choose to be a part of us... one day.

When we were finished AT advised everyone to not get pulled in if Middle decided to be angry at having missed his session but to remind him that he chose to miss it. He never did show any concern about it one way or the other.

An open letter to the "system"

2010-07-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

Dear System,

You are trying very hard to save the world. That can be such a good thing. Your heart may be in the right place... But, if I may be so bold as to share...

There are children who do desperately need your help. Children who are being hurt and damaged need someone to step in and rescue them. They need to be taken out of harms way. Do it quick!!! Do it NOW!!! Do EVERYTHING you can do to prevent further harm and damage. Protect them with everything you've got!!! Pour all of your heart and soul into your job to make a change for the better in their lives. But make sure that you are protecting a child in need and not destroying a family.

There are some children who have been damaged and hurt. I understand that you tried. You did the best you could in getting them out... well, maybe in some cases you didn't really do the best you could. The fact is that they are damaged now. They need help to heal.

We and many other families have chosen to make some of these children our own. Please hear me.... We did not make the mess. We simply chose to pick up the pieces and try to make something good out of the destruction of others.

We do NOT need you to come in and protect our children!!! We do not need you to sweep in like Superman and take over ... you missed that opportunity when you allowed OUR CHILDREN to be harmed by former families!!!!!!!! Though we do thank you for removing them eventually. Now we are at the helm and we are parenting and caring and loving and nurturing. WE ARE NOT THE BAD GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!! And most of us already know how to parent our special needs child. We know because we have researched and read and learned and sought help for year so that we could be the parent they need. We have invested our lives and hearts and souls... sometimes we have sacrificed our homes, jobs, marriages and even laid other children upon the alter so that we could help the damaged child to heal and be whole.

If you want to do something and you feel the need to be involved or if we seek you out and ask for help... just help us. Support us. Under gird us. Empower us. Find out what we want for our children... don't tell us what we need to do.

At the point that we invite you in we have likely already invested years into learning what we need to do and what our children need. We just need an extra pair of hands or pockets, to get us on the way.

Just because we seek help does not mean we want you to take over.

Do you have children? Do you know what it's like to live with a child who is damaged and bent on destroying everything and everyone in his path? Please do not tell me that since you were a child that you know what it's like for him........ Please do not tell me that you have read a book/attended a conference/or helped many other kids with RAD or any other disorder, because unless you have walked in my shoes you do not know what my life is like. And unless you have recovered from RAD or struggled with Bipolar or DID or SID or PTSD, then please don't say you know how my child feels.

System, you are broken. Even while you seek to fix the world, someone needs to fix you.

When you take families who are strong and loving and trying to help their damaged child, and place them into the slot for abusive or neglectful families you have done a great injustice to society.

When you go through the check lists of requirements for families who maltreat their children and force strong healthy families to meet these requirements simply because they are what you do and on your check list, it creates the problems you say you are trying to avoid. You can't help a stressed out family by adding to their stress! You can't ease the burdens of an overwhelmed family by adding to their demands!

When you take a child who doesn't understand the abstract meaning of "family" and you tell them that whoever they live with at the moment is their family and you remove the power and authority of the parents, you FURTHER DAMAGE THE CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is not helpful!!!!!!!!!!!! When you tell the child that they don't have to obey their parents or even ask them anything because someone else is in charge and then you attempt to reunify that child with the castrated family, you have damaged the structure of the family unit!!!!!!

Now let's discuss what you do when you remove a child from harms way. You do know that children need to be nurtured. So could you try to place children into homes that would provide care and nurture. See... toddlers and preschoolers who spend 10 hours in a day care, classroom setting only to come back to a foster home where they are bathed and fed and put to bed, is NOT HEALTHY!!!!! Yes, I know that you are over worked, yes I understand that you have a shortage of foster homes... but there are foster homes with stay at home moms who are fostering older teens who would be better served in the career household, while the little ones who need to bond and attach should be with a full time caregiver and not shuffled around from person to person.

And even though you are short of providers couldn't you do something about those who obviously are in foster care for an income and not for the kids. Can you justify a foster care provider who refuses to provide adequate food and nutrition, does not provide a time or place for enough sleep, refuses to supervise, learn about the child's needs or provide for their routine health care? No! That can't be justified!

If someone is going to be a foster parent they need to be willing to give and sacrifice. This is not a niece or nephew staying with them for a few nights. This is someone's child being entrusted to them. This child has needs...that's why they are in foster care! Most kids in foster care have been through trauma and loss. They need a caregiver to care.

System!!!!! You are responsible for these lives!!! You are responsible for the damage that is done. You can't go in and take over someone's life without being responsible for the outcome.

Furthermore... remember that you too are human. Before you accuse someone of lying, go back and check your own information. You could be wrong. Before you reprimand someone for questioning or misunderstanding, make sure you have first given them information. Before you speak keep in mind that listening first is always wiser than speaking in haste. Adjust your own paradigm and try to see things from their perspective. Who knows... you may grow and learn and become a better system than you ever imagined possible.

If you should shift in your views and begin to see the needs of us families who parent damaged children, let me know. I think we should discuss what you actually could do to make the world a better place.

Until you are ready to look at our side, stay out of our parenting and just help. Be a servant leader and not a authoritative dictator.

System, you are broken, but not without redemption. I have hope that you too can be helped and healed.

Sincerely,
A Mom

*This will be a work in progress ;o)

Where are we?...

2010-07-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a bit lost these days. I am no doubt depressed and I can't seem to focus on any one thing. Mr. T feels that I should blog and have neglected to so am not getting my thoughts and feelings out... maybe, but those thoughts and feelings have become rather dark and I'm not sure I want to let them out lest I find they take on a life of their own.

I have missed documenting 2 or 3 (or 4?) therapy sessions, as many home visits and an ISP meeting. (I will attempt to post about these and will edit this post as I do)

We are right up against reunification time. There have been some changes in the date. He was to return on June 29th (court date). We were supposed to have custody restored then. But our AT felt that Bright-Eyes and the family were not ready and needed more time and/or more structure. So custody remains with DHR for now and we have another court date at the end of September.

We wanted to get camps lined up so that Middle isn't at home with us all day, every day. He is disruptive and no one can accomplish anything. The bookend boys are still schooling (as we homeschool year round). AT felt that if there was no structure then we needed to wait until school so that Middle was in school during the day taking some stress off of all of us at home. As of now we are still trying to work out a plan. The camp plan got blown out of the water at the ISP because it was assumed that all camps were full... I am still kicking myself for not calling that morning to verify openings. The SW told us that if we learned of anything to let her know and they would arrange things... BUT!!!... By the time we did verify openings and get back to the SW she was out of the office for a week and a half and couldn't work it out. Feeling a bit sabotaged there, she might have clued us in to plans to be away.

Our AT is now going to bat for us and trying to work out a return home date and we are looking into doing the camps ourselves and seeking reimbursement later. Possibly risky but we don't want to continue this back and forth arrangement. It is stressing everyone out. IF the foster parent was willing to communicate and work with us it might be a good thing, but she is clearly not and it's making Middle crazy to have to wait and live in two places at once.

The visits have gotten worse. We knew they would and are not surprised. Our AT still reminded us that things will continue to get worse before they get better. But the reality of living in the midst of that "worst" is becoming more than I can deal with. When I read the blogs of others I feel great guilt because I don't face the depth of darkness that many others face and yet I find that I am at my limit. I admire the strength of those who are facing more.

The ISP meeting was an agonizing experience. I was astounded at the behavior... arguing, accusing, defending, deflecting, blaming..... These are adults????? I wanted to blow a whistle and establish some rules of conduct... And why is *my* parenting discounted while the foster parent's more punitive parenting style is set as a standard? My therapeutic, teaching, parenting is not bad parenting! It is molded and modeled to fit my kids and their needs. I am not a punitive parent... not saying that punishment is always wrong, for the right kids that might work, but for my kids it doesn't. I mean, REALLY???? Helping my child to process cause and effect and see his responsibility for his choices, is NIT-PICKY!?!?!?! I should just punish him and never speak of it again???????? Ummm... He doesn't connect that! And trying to teach life skills is not accepting him the way he is?????????? Ummmmmmm...... I think he is capable of learning some manners without losing his self esteem in the process. And how do logical/natural consequences *NOT* teach responsibility?

Mr. T might be attending the next and final ISP because I just don't think I can be the subject of their attacks again.

The therapy sessions seemed to get better but they have gone downhill now too. He sat chewing his nails and fingers through the entire last session, gnawing like a caged animal trying to get free. I was surprised he didn't draw blood.

I felt that the entire last session was a game to him. He pretended not to hear, he asked questions that were off subject, he interrupted, he ignored, he said "I don't know" ... AT felt that he did hear and was working. Maybe.

Our latest "tool" is to tell Middle to think about and figure out, the answers to such questions as "Why are you always mad at me?" and "Why are you so mean to me" and "Why do you take all my stuff away?" and "Why don't you let me do anything?"

These are the questions we hear when he is ranting and raving at us for enforcing a consequence to his choices and actions. He isn't making the connection that he *did* something to bring about a consequence, he just wants to blame everyone else... and chase us down and yell at us creating chaos for all.

We are supposed to tell him to think about why and come up with answers... but if he is raging and following us around being completely oppositional, it's not too likely he is going to work with us on figuring out cause and effect.

I find myself pulled into his drama... I try to answer his questions but he yells over me and obviously doesn't really want answers... AT says that even if the consequence is me going to my room to get away that I just need to tell him that if he continues to spout venom that I will leave. I did just that yesterday but the anger that I saw in Middle was frightening. I wonder how everyone can be reporting that he is fine when we see so much anger.

I am afraid. I don't want to give up on him... but I am scared of what he might do.

Gloom, despair, and agony on me, Deep, dark depression, excessive misery

2010-07-10T19:21:00.000-07:00

Just saying ;o)

Where for art thou ...

2010-06-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

I'm seeking my sound mind and stamina.

June seems to be fading from the calendar but I have yet to add one single post... so sorry.

It seems that visits have gotten worse and stress and anxiety have gotten greater. We had our ISP meeting on the 23rd. Court looms like an evil darkness, on the 29th.

Of course we had to take a vacation and travel two days away to see my family, hang out with them for a few days and travel two days back. Then, knowing how we needed some down time to relax and pull ourselves together, we gave ourselves a whole day to get laundry caught up and the bookend boys packed for camp. AND having nothing better to do while they were away, we decided to paint their room...................................

Then the denial fog lifted after the ISP meeting and I spiraled into a dank sewer of a depression. I think I've found a rope and am seeing light again.

We will remain locked in this dance with DHR a while longer... Que sera sera.

Shock & Surprise

2010-05-29T15:55:00.000-07:00

Today Middle-One did something that was completely unexpected and ...well... rather shocking. It blew me away. I was completely caught off guard,I never expected it and I was left speechless.

He approached me and asked if he could talk to me. I said yes and then he just apologized... *sincerely*... without prompting... to me and everyone in the house (one at a time), for *EACH* of his behaviors today...

and then walked away and didn't ask for anything.

I'm gonna cry.

Really.

I have NEVER seen him do that.

I needed to share that before he sabotaged it. I need for that amazing, incredible moment to be recoreded and when I doubt it in the future I need someone to remind me that today, in an isolated moment of time, I DID see remorse and maturity... I did.

Dare to hope.

A peek into Attachment Therapy - Appointment 8

2010-05-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

Attachment Therapy Appointment #8

Since last week’s exercise in crowd control worked so well for us, we decided to implement the *Peace Maker* prize once again. We told all of the boys that we would decide, after the session, who showed the best “Leadership” in Peace- Making.

Amazingly, we didn’t hear a sound throughout FOUR hours of therapy!!! What they won’t do for a prize.

Family session

We began with the parent/family session. Mr. T, AT and me.

Our first order of business was to go over the plans for the upcoming ISP. AT explained that she wanted to support us so we needed to put together a plan and discuss it. So we brainstormed. She encouraged us to create our “Golden” plan and aim high. That way if it fell short we still might get some of what was want.

There were some specific things we don’t want and AT agrees that they would not be in anyone’s best interest. So we discussed how we might handle those things if presented.

In the end our “Golden” list looked like this…

· Leaving the case open for six months
· Summer day camp and activities with the YMCA, for Middle and Bright.
· In home (if needed) and respite through the AT’s agency to insure communication and RAD parenting knowledge.
· Continued funding for therapy above and beyond the Medicaid minimum.

After the ISP was settled we moved on to how the other kids were doing.

We told AT that Bright had a couple of really frantic days where he kept telling us that he just couldn’t take it anymore. The stress and anxiety were pushing him beyond tolerance. However, when the weekend arrived and Middle joined us, Bright seemed to calm down and was better. She explained that since sometimes the fear is bigger than the actual thing we fear that he was probably building up during the week and needed to talk more. We needed to constantly be “tapping” at his emotional tank to keep it from overflowing and “sloshing” out on all of us.

We also discussed Bright-Eye’s weapon making. AT told us to not allow him to make weapons anymore. He can play with toys and Nerf guns, but no “real” handmade weapons. This may be him trying to protect himself and he really needs to rely on us to protect him.

This is the kid who watches the Military channel for fun. He reads survival guides and looks up the history of weapons. He got excited when I told him there was a school in CO that had a Gun-Making major. Taking his weapons will not be easy.

Then we discussed how possibly due to the level of trauma within the family, that we (parents) might be reacting to Middle-One more or differently, than to the other boys. Wow! She really hit the mark. We talked for a while about how things need to appear the same, even though we might be nervous that Middle will do something and even though we don’t know what Middle has been able to do or not do in his former placements (no communication from care givers). She advised us to recreate family rules and make rules the same for everyone, OR be able to explain why they might be different. But not to allow the playing field to be different levels for each child. We are to be consistently inconsistent.

We discussed Middle’s behavior at school and our belief that he is probably not behaving in his foster home, if he is not behaving well in our home or school. AT agreed that it was probably the case but there is nothing that we can do.

We brought Middle-One in…

After assuming the position, AT had Middle begin with his Birth story. He began going through the events of his life. AT began asking him how he felt. She led up to his adoption and being in our home and began questioning him about his behavior. She asked him why he did what he did. He said he was mad. She asked him why he was mad. He said he didn’t know.

It continued…

“Why do you think you were that mad”

“I dunno, I was just mad… people get mad”

“At 2 years old you were this tall (she showed how tall he was) but you were biting, breaking things, being oppositional, spitting… Why would you do that?”

“I guess I didn’t get what I wanted”

“All the time?”

“I wasn’t mad all the time”

“Just every time you didn’t get what you wanted?”

“No”

“when were you mad”

“I dunno”

It went on and on. AT trying to get Middle to say that he was mad he had been deserted and admit that he was extremely mad rather than just moderately mad.

He began to say how he didn’t act like that anymore. AT surprised him by telling him that Yes he did!! She agreed that he wasn’t currently violent but the *mad* was still obviously there. She explained to him that we could see it when he chose to take care of himself by not listening or asking, instead of trusting us to care for him.

AT began in a lighthearted and jovial tone and increased in firmness until she was in her *Bad Cop* persona. Again Middle did not seek comfort from me.

HE picked his nose and chewed his fingernails off (yes OFF... completely) and rubbed his eyes, and pulled on his ears and acted like he was falling asleep. ANYTHING he could do to deflect.

AT didn't flinch... I, on the other hand, was having a hard time with the flying buggers and the saliva drenched hands. I'm weak.

AT again brought him to the point of accusing him of not really wanting to be part of the family because he wasn't doing the very simple (but oh so hard) for him, requirements.

I thought she was about to "fire" him. She does that occasionally when a child isn't working on their therapy. They do have to agree to work and want to get better. She didn't fire him this time.

The session came to close with no breakthrough. No emotion this time. No attempts to gain comfort. No eye contact when AT told Middle to make eye-contact and talk to us.

All we can do is keep moving and hoping.

After the session AT summarized what we needed to do until next time.

Visit 11

2010-05-27T15:51:00.001-07:00

It seems to be becoming more difficult to write about these visits and therapy appointments. It is taking me days to recover from them.

Mr. T picked Middle-One up on Thursday evening. We had just learned on Wednesday, that he had disappeared from the neighborhood playground where he plays with his foster sibs, and had gone to a "friends" house. This friend is at least 4 years older than Middle. From what we heard, no one could find him for a while. No one knew where he was. After a while he just showed up again.

The consequence of this spontaneous decision was that Middle can not go anywhere out of the sight of an adult. So with that in place we were anticipating a fun filled weekend.

We went to therapy on Friday morning. Told all of the boys that there would be an award for the person who was the most peaceful and the biggest instrument of peace with his brothers. Guess who won? LOL Amazing how the child who can NOT be still and/or think before acting due to poor impulse control can remain totally quiet and non-disruptive for FIVE hours. It astounds the mind.

Saturday... Middle couldn't go outside without supervision. Bright-Eyes was grounded and Ebear didn't want to do anything alone. We were inside with three restless boys ALL DAY. Nuff said.

I took the boys to church on Sunday. Mr. T was ill. Middle was trying.

Mr. T took Middle to school on Monday morning, after Middle finally got himself ready and out the door. Seems he needed to be in the bathroom spraying water at a big for a while. Then he needed to argue, and avoid getting ready.

No phone call ALL WEEK.

A peek into Attachment Therapy - Appointment 7

2010-05-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

FIVE HOURS…….. Most of our therapy sessions last up to four hours… but today was the mother of all sessions. Double session for Bright-Eyes and Middle-One.

I am now having second thoughts about pursuing a career as a therapist.

So, again, Attachment Therapy is very different than Traditional/Talk/Cognitive therapies. It is aggressive rather than passive. It produces the issues and lays them before the client and asks “These are your problems what are you going to do about them” rather than letting the client decide what they need and will work on. And, sometimes, like today, it isn’t pretty. It’s bold and tactless and in-your-face.

Parent session

During the family/parent session we discussed the boys in this order.. Ebear…. Bright-Eyes… Middle-One.

We started with Ebear and talked about how hard it is to discern the behavior of a healing teen RAD. We always have the question “Is it teen or is it RAD” rolling through our minds. We all agreed that he has come SO far that we are going to assume it’s mostly “teen” stuff and work with him accordingly. So after regressing and losing his beloved phone, MP3 and PC, we will be laying down some firm rules and allowing him to have access again.

We also indulged in a fascinating grown-up discussion about the future technological influence on our communications… primarily; Texting.

The discussion of Bright-Eyes wasn’t as happy. We had to address the most recent explosion and runaway attempt/threat. This makes four.

Then we went on to Middle-One… We went through all of the recent incidents of control. His recent behavior at school and an incident at his foster home. AT surmised from all of the accounts that Middle is desperately trying to control his world, even to his own detriment.

We also discussed the upcoming ISP and return of custody. AT suggested some agencies we could call on for possible help and present at the ISP. It was agreed by all of us that we would need four weeks of services to get through the summer. I think we need Nanny McPhee!!!!

Then, after that lengthy meeting we called in Bright-eyes…

Bright-Eyes

He came in and sat in my place on the couch while I was in the bathroom. Then the stinker wouldn’t move. Once we got him into the middle of the couch, between Mr. T and me, we got started.

AT began by asking how he was doing… he said good, then he said…not so good. She agreed that was true. AT asked him to explain and he began telling her. She continued leading him through questions and asked why he was doing these things. He admited it was because Middle is coming home and said that he didn't want him to come home. AT reminded him that he didn't get to make that decision and that his parents did. She
then talked to him about how he is creating problems by trying to take care of himself. She went through how things look if he lets us take care of everyone versus how things look if *he* tries to take care of everything. She also discussed why he runs. She asked him why he did it and what he hoped would result from it. That stumped him. I don’t think he had thought about it. She described 2 paths… one good and one bad. One taken by choosing to run away and one taken by choosing to trust mom & dad to take care of him. She described what might be down either path. She explained that the choice is his.

Middle-One

Middle came in and immediately kicked off his shoes and fell face down, across my lap saying

“At least I can finally lay down”

We quickly realized that he had not worn deodorant today (it actually smelled like he had worn dirty clothes and not bathed too)….*gasp* Well bless his heart… and MINE!

We had to tell him to turn over and get in the correct position. He sat there in an awkward shape acting like we were forcing him until I asked if he was comfortable. He agreed he wasn’t and AT reminded him that he could do something to get help. Then he asked and we helped him and we all settled in.

AT asked how things were going. He claimed all was well. Then…Oh my….. AT did her best “Bad Cop”. I had forgotten just how bad she could get. It got very intense. She was discussing Middle’s choices to not follow his goals and how they were his choice and led to trouble. She went over the things he had done at home and at school. He refused to take the blame or responsibility, for anything that he had caused. He also refused to engage in therapy and would just answer her with “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember”. She began to get harsher and louder. She would not let him off the hook. She let him have it. Calling him on the stuff he was doing and the mess he was creating, the control and the lies. She told him that he must not want a family if he wasn’t going to do the things required to be a part of his family. He cried, but I think it was more out of anger than anything else. He glared at her when his eyes weren’t closed to shut her out. She tapped on his arm to get him to engage. HE did “almost” lean in to me a couple of times. Turning to me for comfort (from the mean evil AT) would have been a success. He wouldn’t engage. He wouldn’t seek comfort and he wouldn’t express anger. He did began hitting the couch behind him…

She asked him what he was thinking.

“I don’t know”

“Yes you do”

“No, I really don’t”

We went through the same routine three times. He included every excuse he could think of to not talk and share what he was thinking.

We all just wanted him to come out and yell at her. He needs to release the thoughts and feelings… but he won’t. Maybe, one day, but not today.

After

After the session Mr. T, AT and I talked about where the biggest concerns lie. She still doesn’t see Middle budging for a long long time. She is hopeful that Bright-Eyes sees the need to trust us and let us be in charge. I hope so.

My biggest fear hovers close to my heart constantly as we move farther along this path.

*I think that I am not remembering some things from this VERY long session, so will come back and add as I do

Random RADness

2010-05-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

Ebear baked cookies tonight! Oatmeal Raisin!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We haven't had a working oven in months and a dear friend loaned us a roaster so he was able to bake cookies... Mmmmmmmmm Mmmmmmmm.

Middle One doesn't like Oatmeal Raisin cookies.

When the cookies were ready we called him in and Ebear offered him a cookie... it's polite and the right thing to do. Middle declined, stating that he didn't like them. We knew.

A little while later Middle wandered back into the kitchen and gazed longingly at the plate of cookies.

"Are they Chocolate Chip?" He practically drooled.

"No, we told you they are Oatmeal Raisin"

"I want to taste one"

...Raise your hand if you see where this is going.

"you don't like these cookies"

"I just want one"

As he reaches for a cookie I say...

"If you take a cookie you will have to eat it"
(you all know that this is the moment I lost the battle, right?)

He takes a cookie.
He takes a bite of the cookie.
He makes a face.
He begins pulling raisins out of the cookie.

Like a robotic dancer I fall into step...

"What are you doing Middle?"

"I don't like raisins"

"I know, but what did I say"

"I'm just going to throw this out"

"I told you that you would have to eat the cookie if you took it"

"I don't like raisins"

"Whose choice was it to eat the cookie"

"You're making me eat it, I don't want it!!!!"

"You chose the cookie. You were told you would have to eat the cookie... now eat the cookie!"

It was about this point that I found myself tempted to help him eat the cookie... I refrained.

Whining, he mumbled
"I don't like raisins"

Lovin the outdoor life

2010-05-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

Bright-Eyes fell off the cliffs of insanity today.

He had gotten a snack and was headed to his room to eat it. We had just been talking about our feelings about Middle-One's impending weekend visit (being therapeutic and all). As he walked out of the kitchen I reminded him that food stays in the kitchen or dining room and does not go to his room........ It was the detonator to the bomb. He exploded and the words "DON'T TALK TO ME!" flew at me with sudden and full impact... to which I responded, after picking myself up, by talking to him. This led to more screams and more talking... all the while he munched on his peanut butter sandwich (how do you explode and eat simultaneously?).

Bright-Eyes was lost in a state of disregulation. I discreetly went and locked the doors and while I was occupied with trying to keep him inside the house, he was climbing out a window and walking around just to show me that I had no power over him.

Ebear and I kept an eye on him. I didn't know that E had locked the window behind Bright until I saw him going back and forth across the backyard with various tools. I decided to investigate when I saw him with the giant pruning shears and realized I was hearing something from the back room. He was outside the window trying to pry it open with the shears... Yay! more house damage!! *pause for cartwheels*

I managed to convince him to put them up and come in through the door. I told him I would unlock the back door... do he went to the front and sat down. 10 minutes later he came in the back door.

I was cleaning and still trying to overcome the clutter that has claimed the dining room, when Ebear comes in and whispers to me that I need to lock the doors and he will lock the window. I asked him

"Is he running again?"

"Yes, he's packing"

Then I asked him how he was going to lock the window... He shrugged. I gave up and opened the door then went to talk to Bright.

"Whatcha doin?"

"Packing"

"Where ya going?"

"Oh not far, I'm going to live outside... maybe on the porch."

"Ok"

So, a couple hours later when severe thunder storms moved in, he was still out there. Peeking through the blinds we could see him illuminated by the lightening, wrapped in a blanket and sitting in a chair facing the house.

He's tucked safely in bed tonight. Therapy tomorrow.

Visit ten

2010-05-19T20:43:00.001-07:00

Visit ten was punctuated by surely anger and opposition. Middle ignoring us when we called him or spoke to him and arguing with everything he admitted to hearing.

He spent some time in his room during this visit simply because he would not get along with anyone.

Friday… No therapy appointment this week so we let Middle go to school on Friday while we moved furniture at home. We picked him and pizza, up Friday evening. We all slept in our new spaces.

Saturday… Mr. T and the boys grocery-shopped while I continued to work on the clutter. Middle drove Mr. T nuts during the shopping trip though. His ears seemed to have stopped working and he could no longer hear the spoken word. The most fun Mr. T had with this disability was when Middle found a kiosk for blueberry pie samples and wedged himself in front of the other people waiting in line to put his face over the pie being cut… Since he presents himself as MR ( or ID whichever is currently PC) other people tend to allow him to be disruptive as if he didn’t know better… but he DOES! So Mr. T had to physically guide him away because his ears weren’t working.

We couldn’t eat at the table so we made plans for dinner and a movie in the living room. Then he had the sudden urgent need for vacuuming and showering at dinner time (see the Random RADness post below)

Sunday… As an example of what we dealt with all weekend…At breakfast, Bright-Eyes asked if Middle was finished with the juice. Middle said yes and Bright went to put the juice away. Middle began yelling at Bright because he was reading the juice jug label Sheesh! The child would not let go of his arguments either. One he was wronged he was going to point it out for as long as possible.

Monday… Back to school.

We are not alone

2010-05-19T13:40:00.001-07:00

I was flitting around (isn't that fun to say...flitting...flitting...flitting...ok never mind)... as I was flitting around the RAD mom blogs and the RAD forums, I see a common shout-out from one RAD infested home to another to another to another to another... all across the land. "You are not alone".

In seeing all of the RAD families comforting and reassuring each other it appears that we truly are not alone...so... why are we so isolated? Why is our world such a dark secret? Why do we find ourselves explaining this insanity to nearly every person we meet in real life?

If we all joined hands and stretched across the world how far would we reach? If we all joined together to live in a big IUNDERSTANDRAD commune, how big would our property stretch? If we all built a ladder to the sky, how high would it go?... ok, you get the idea, we are a formidable group.

So really... why aren't we seeing RAD explained and shared to the public. Why is there no Public Service campaign on TV for RAD? Why are there no telethons? No 10k races? No rallies? No awareness weeks or fundraisers or candlelight vigils? Why are we not screaming from the rooftops that our kids are damaged and hurt and sick and we need help too!!!!!!!!!! We need support and encouragement and we need people to know... and to see us and to recognize our needs.

We are not alone. Why do we act like we are?

Family is family and forever is forever

2010-05-18T14:22:00.000-07:00

I attended a high school transitional meeting today. It was for Middle-One who will begin high school next year... but he wasn't there.

Why wasn't he there? Because his foster parent didn't go and his social worker couldn't make it and NO ONE TOLD ME that he might need me to plan to drive an hour across the county to pick him up. At least no one said anything until this morning when Middle told his teacher that he wasn't going to the meeting and his teacher emailed me right away to see if I could pick him up.

Unfortunately, by the time I read the email, I didn't have the time to go pick Middle up.

I guess in retrospect, we should have seen the need... maybe we should have been alerted when his FCP asked Mr. T yesterday if she had to attend... but we weren't. It never occurred to us that she wouldn't bring him and that he would not get to go to his own transitional meeting. I guess it didn't occur to me because I would have made sure he got there.

If someone had told us, we would have picked him up and brought him. I would have left early and driven an hour to get him and another 3o minutes to get to the meeting and then 30 minutes to return him to school and an hour to get home. Counting the meeting that is four hours of time that I would have planned for... if I had only known.

I wonder how hard it might have been for someone to have picked up the phone and called us to say that they would not be there and that therefore they would not be bringing Middle-One... so could we get him? He is OUR son after all. And we have stated again and again that we are more than willing to attend to all he needs and to PLEASE let us know.

It occurs to me that through out all of the hospital stays and residential stays with staff and therapists and teachers and psychiatrist and deputies. Who have ALL said that they care about Middle and will be there for him and will think of him and pray for him and have even told him that they are like family to him, that NO ONE remains except us.

No one sends him Christmas cards or calls him on his birthday. No one checks to see if he has made progress or regressed. No one has checked in to see if he is still working his goals. No one makes him eat veggies or go to bed at a decent time or apologize for hurting someone. No one sits with him during a meltdown and helps him to process his feelings so that he can hopefully, one day, not have meltdowns anymore... No one but us.

We have been here since before he was ours and we will be here no matter who he becomes. Others come and others go. We are his family. We are forever.

Random RADness

2010-05-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

The backstory on this is that Middle LOVES to eat. He is desperate for every meal. He will eat as many snacks as we let him. He will not let us have leftovers if he has a choice. He will eat and eat and eat. He does not miss meals.

Also, Middle-One's therapy goals are to (1) Listen, and (2) Ask. That's it... listen... and ask. Listening includes following directions and obeying and asking is about asking for what he wants and needs rather than directing manipulating and controlling.

This week he seemed hell-bent on (1) ignoring) and (2) being the boss.

Saturday evening, after working hard all day (both in the house and with Middle's opposition) we were preparing to eat burritos and strawberry shortcake for dinner while watching a movie in the living room. (the dining room is the last holdout in operation room-move).

So we have announced that dinner is ready and I am getting the plates out and preparing to serve the meal when Middle-One races to the living room and pulls the vacuum cleaner out and begins to vacuum.

We all stopped in our tracks, shared looks of shock and bewilderment and headed toward the sound. Finding Middle vacuuming I asked (with obvious wisdom and therapeutic insight)

"WHAT are you doing?"

"Vacuuming... it is my chore"

"We are about to eat"

"I know, that's why I am vacuuming. I wanted to make it nice in here"

"You should have vacuumed earlier Middle, it's not time now"

"Well I'm just going to do it quick"

"No, middle, put the vacuum away"

He gets irritated and grumbles about me not letting him do anything and not wanting him to do his chores.
I realized I didn't behave in a therapeutic way so I go back and say...

"Since it is so important to you we will pause the movie after we eat and let you vacuum."

More grumbling about how I should just let him vacuum and how now I'm going to make people wait.

So we all returned to the dining room to fix our plates and I looked up to ask Middle if he wanted one or two burritos. He wasn't there. I asked...

"Where is Middle"

"Oh... he's gone to get a shower"

LOL......*sigh*

A peek into Attachment Therapy - Appointment 6

2010-05-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

(I remember writing this post last week... really I do...but where did I save it?)

This session became a triple session. All three boys are regressing. We are on the edge of crisis. So AT had the session with Mr. T and me. Then she pulled in Ebear and Bright-Eyes and had an entire session with all of us. THEN she dismissed them and brought in Middle-One for his session. We were exhausted.

The parent session was again shadowed by the discussion of the future. AT does not see the boys overcoming their fears and bouncing back. She is concerned that the upcoming placement will push them too far. She does hold on to some hope because (she admits) anything is possible. But her hope is wavering.

The session with the at-home two was slow to start but the boys warmed up and began to really open up toward the end. They needed that.

In Middle's therapy he continued to work on his timeline and we discussed his emotions and memories. Not surprisingly Mad emerged as the primary emotion. AT suggested we provide a schedule for Middle so he can see what he needs to do before he can move on (will implement this next weekend) and that we reply to his arguing by just saying “I’m sorry you made that choice”.

It will be two weeks until our next session (for Middle and Bright-Eyes). AT will be on vacation.

Visit nine

2010-05-16T06:46:00.001-07:00

(a week late)

The visits are getting both more difficult and easier. Still stressful.

Bright-Eyes was frantic. He absolutely could not be in the house with Middle-One all of the time. This resulted in him being outside a lot. If we can't find him inside he will be outside with either his punching bag or his tools.

Middle spent a lot of time making loud random noises so we had to tell him again and again to quiet down. Even when he took the garbage out he was making loud disruptive noise.

Friday evening ended with Middle-One crawling around on the floor on all fours, hopping on one foot, climbing up and down his bed and making noises.

Saturday was spent doing yard work and playing, though Middle was defensive and argumentative. He called a lot of things unfair. Like not getting to play video games all weekend (he probably shouldn't have lied and tried to play Mr. T and I against one another). And being sent to bed at bedtime even though Ebear stays up later. Life is hard.

Sunday we celebrated Mother's Day with steaks and cheesecake. :o)

Monday Mr. T took him to school and reported that Middle could not get out of the truck fast enough. He didn't even say good-bye. I guess he was ready for the visit to end. LOL

Motherhood is (NOT) a thankless job (my late Mother’s Day post)

2010-05-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

I want to address a common misconception. I have been told, again and again, that; “children are selfish”, “parenting is selfless” and “motherhood is a thankless job”.

These comments are usually made by parents of well adjusted and normally developed children in an effort to somehow reassure me that my life is not so far from their own. (a common perspective among normal parents that I find amusing and annoying)

I just want to say that none of those are true. They may have fragments of truth woven into them, but they are not true statements.

Let’s examine them one at a time…

Are (normal) children selfish? I don’t believe so. We are all selfish by nature. Children are actually more free and caring of others than adults. Children will spend a great deal of time seeking wildflowers or making homemade greeting cards. They will race to get us to see a sunset or view a rainbow. They are not manipulating but are motivated purely for the joy of the receiver.

Is a RAD child selfish? Yes. They do not have the emotional maturity to think outside of themselves or to understand that another person feels. Therefore they are selfish. Not deliberately, but simply and totally, self absorbed.

Is parenting selfless? No. Being a parent originates with an entirely selfish idea… “I want to be a parent”. It’s not usually founded in thoughts like… “I want to stay awake all night and clean up vomit” or “I want to sit in church with wet pee drenched clothing”… No, those might not be selfless either, they might be masochistic, but probably not selfless.

Are RAD parents selfless. No, not really any more than any other parent. We still have the same selfish desires that other parents have, but for the sake of our children’s emotional health we must learn to truly think for them and of them most of the time.

Is motherhood a thankless job? No. Mothers of normal children get thanked all the time. It’s that smile that makes you smile back and the giggle you could listen to all day. It’s the hug that fills your soul and kiss that melts your heart, it’s the wilted daisy and the shared cookie and the little hand in yours. It’s the quiet whispered “I love you mommy” when you tuck them in. It’s the satisfied enjoyment when you cut off the crust of their PB&J sandwich. It’s the way she smiles when you do her hair for her and the way he grins sideways when you ruffle his.

Is motherhood thankless for RAD moms?……….

………… yes.

So to the unthanked... Thank you. May God richly bless you as you walk out this thankless, selfless calling.

Swimming in quicksand

2010-05-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

Normally I have great enthusiasm when doing a project around my house. I love the prospect of rearranging, decorating and decluttering. It makes all things new!

We are switching everyone’s bedrooms. The two at-home boys are moving into my and Mr. T’s room. Mr. T and I are moving into Ebear’s room and Middle-One will move into Bright-Eyes rooms when he returns home.

This is especially difficult to Bright-Eyes because his room was specifically decorated for him in a football theme.

Tomorrow is moving day. The furniture gets moved and we all sleep in new rooms tomorrow night. This should be fun. It should be exciting. We should all be bubbling over with anticipation of a new environment and beginning.

We’re not. No one wants to move. No one wants to lose their space. No one is adjusting to change well or embracing this brand new day.

There is a lot of work to do and we must keep swimming… but we are swimming in emotional quicksand. I’m not sure we will all survive.

Random RADness

2010-05-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

They will cut off their nose to spite their face. Once this is understood everyone else can just stand back and watch.

*Every* single time I am in the kitchen cooking, the hypervigelence takes over and walks Middle-One into the kitchen so that he can see what I am making and how much of it there is. This allows him to plan for himself, but does not give much practice in trusting Mom.

This morning I was preparing breakfast. Here comes Middle in to see what I am cooking. He says good-morning and as usual leans and looks past me scanning the counter and stove (he will literally push me out of the way for this). He correctly surmises that I am making grits and toast, and incorrectly added scrambled eggs (maybe wishful thinking LOL). I told him that yes, that was right, on most accounts. He responded with

"yum!"

and then I said

"you must be in here to get a hug. "

*Hugged him*.

Then he paused and asked

"Can I have oatmeal?"

I smiled and said, "Sure sugar, I think the Waffle House serves it... you better get going if you want to get there.

He LOLed... He doesn't like oatmeal.

Signs and symptoms of transitions

2010-05-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

We are in the full throes of transitioning Middle-One home.

It was decided long ago that Ebear and Bright-Eyes would share a room. Middle would have his own room. Along the way Mr. T and I decided that it would be good for everyone to have a new beginning and it would be safer if we were stationed between the other two rooms just to keep every safe. So we are switching ALL bedrooms.

The result of this decision is a house in cluttered chaos. All the closets have erupted into the house. All the rooms are flooded with the overflow. (this would be a good spot for a picture, wouldn't it? ;o)

Middle will be home tonight and we have the weekend upon us.

I wonder if it would be self sabotaging to insist that we paint each room before refilling it with possessions.....

Regression

2010-05-04T06:59:00.001-07:00

The stress here is so thick we can cut it and burn it for heat.

All of us are having Post Traumatic responses to the transition. Bright-Eyes has been running away and exploding, Mr. T is staying very busy, I am having physical symptoms and Ebear has returned to his sneaking and lying.

I am sad, and mad. I am powerless to stop it or help anyone... including myself.

Visits seven & eight

2010-05-03T14:48:00.001-07:00

Visit seven happened last week and I was sick. Middle-One did pretty well though. It was probably the best visit.

Visit eight was the worst one.

Middle wasn't on his meds for either visit so we can't (won't) attribute any behavior to medication (or the lack of it).

The visit began on Thursday evening. Mr. T took Ebear to football practice and had some errands to run. When Mr. T arrived at the foster home Middle was not even there. He was informed that he could find Middle-One at the neighborhood playground. Mr. T had to go find our son and bring him back to the foster home to pick up his things. They then went to join the team at Burger King. Mr. T said that Middle handled it well. A little quirky, but not too obvious.

Friday morning; we got up and began getting ready to go to our four hour therapy appointment (+ 2 hours drive time). We packed a lunch and put dinner in the crock pot. The session has a post of it's own so I won't elaborate here. Middle and Bright-Eyes were both ready to explode. they were at each other and extremely impulsive and hyper. Things were building up. There was a lot of arguing. Middle was beginning to argue with anything we said... and a couple of times it didn't even make sense. And Bright-Eyes was pushing Middle's buttons and setting up a Sad-Mad pattern at every turn.

Saturday; We were at home all day due to incoming storms. The boys didn't have much chance to play outside but Mr. T did take them to a local church to ride their bikes and play basketball. Just like the approaching storms, Middle was building in instability. We were seeing a decrease in impulse control, a lack of ability to take responsibility, blaming others, arguing, defending... He was just terribly unpleasant!!! Mr. T grilled for our dining pleasure. Middle was eating everything and having trouble letting us have food left over. That evening, we all sat down to watch Sherlock Holmes. About halfway through Middle decided to ... pass gas, as is his habit. At first Bright-Eyes and I moved from the couch... and Middle laid down taking the whole couch. Having no where to sit I said that Middle needed to be the one to move because we didn't do it. We were all being good natured and had Middle-One move to a chair. Then he began to get hostile. He didn't want to sit in the chair. Claimed he couldn't see from the chair. (same distance as the couch from the TV). We told him that he needed to sit down and be quiet. Then he grumbled about not being able to see and sat down on the floor (same distance). Well, besides the attitude, Ebear was sitting on the floor and looking at us in a way that clearly said he did not want to share the floor. (also the dogs are down there and there is an issue with the dogs and Middle) We told Middle to sit in the chair and it was at that point that he sunk into total meltdown.

The meltdown lasted about 30 minutes. Could have been worse. He whined and wailed and refused to do what we said. Refused to listen or discuss. Would not process anything. Kept telling us that we were mean and were always mean to him. *sigh*. He got sent to bed and that increased the fury. Finally I went and got him and sat him down at the table in the dining room. I worked out a LONG chain-analysis with him. He did eventually admit to his responsibility in the event. Then he apologized (under duress ;o) ) and went to bed. The rest of us recovered from the PTS flashbacks we were having and watched the end of the movie.

Sunday; We did not go to church. Mr. T, Ebear and Bright-Eyes had colds and sore throats. We remained at home. I began getting sick (again!). Middle-One was very hyper and annoying. We just could not even talk to him without an argument. Then he would argue about whether he was arguing or not. We were all dumbstruck by the relentless behavior.

Monday; We had an appointment for Middle to be seen by his new p-doc. We had to take him so we kept him home and planned to take him and then drop him at school so he could ride the bus to his foster home. Mr. T reported that in the appointment Middle tried to argue and disagree with absolutely everything he told the Dr. He said it was ridiculous. The Dr. prescribed the meds and Mr. T had them filled. Half to the school and half to us!

At home, Ebear, Bright-Eyes and I all relaxed and caught our breath.

Strangely it doesn't sound so bad in writing, but it was BAD!!!

A peek into Attachment Therapy - Appointment 5

2010-05-01T06:54:00.001-07:00

We didn't have an appointment last week because our AT's daughter had surgery and was recovering.

This week was much more relaxed with Middle staying the night before therapy. We were able to leave an hour later than we had been.

Mr. T and I spent our "family" therapy time discussing the breakdown of Bright-Eyes behavior. Bright-Eyes spent this time creating chaos and discord in the waiting area. It makes me so deeply sad to see him so anxious, but honestly there has been no aggression during the transition or in years, so it's all based in past trauma. There may never be another episode of aggression and we need to help him understand that.

AT reviewed with us, again, how to talk to Bright-Eyes and keep "tapping his tank" to let off steam and anxiety. We need to daily talk about his fears and feelings concerning Middle. We need to reassure him again and again that we've got his back. We are protecting him and keeping him safe. We are going to love him, not leave him and always care for him. We are also to use this talk as a "consequence" by pulling in to talk every time he has a tantrum, meltdown or behavior issue.

After our grown up talk we pulled Middle-One in to begin working on his timeline.

I love the timeline. It is a wonderful visual of a child's life and their perceptions.

First Middle had to review his birth story. Then he taped pieces of paper together. Each page would hold two years so we had an eight page strip of paper when we were done. Then AT drew a line from one end to the other through the middle and Mr. T marked off each month of his life. During this time AT led Middle in a discussion of his placements in life while I kept notes. Then we marked off each placement on the line while Middle chose a color for each location and colored the line down the center to represent each placement. (His forever home was green and it ended up being just about half of the line. That made me very sad).

After the initial line was drawn out and colored, we began to add events and memories. The events that were included were why he went from one placement to another. He claimed that he always left home because he was bad and he was "bad" because his brother picked on him. The AT mentioned after the session that Middle had been in three different treatment facilities, a behavioral hospital and public school. HE had been picked on by the best but went back and blamed his brothers for his behavior... and one brother hadn't even been born/adopted yet! Events are historical so there isn't much variation but memories are entirely different. The memories of a RAD child can be a lot of fun ;o).

Middle claimed he didn't have many memories. He did say that he had a bike that was too big when he was a toddler, at his second foster home. (We did not remember a bike but we put it on the line anyway). He then had a memory lapse then for the rest of his life until his most recent birthday and he only remembered what his foster family had done for him and not what we did (counting to ten). So, that's it... A couple of memories in FOURTEEN years. And one of those is likely not even true LOL.

Interestingly enough Middle brings ancient stuff up to us, privately, all the time. He truly remembers EVERYTHING. But he doesn't have to include everything on the line for it to be effective.

Next session we will add in the emotions and feelings of his life. Sad/Mad/Scared/Glad.

Can't wait!!!! ;o)

Random RADness

2010-04-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

One characteristic of RAD is that the kids see no real need for parents... really... Really!

They assume that they can handle everything and they tend to leave us out of the loop.

Tonight, Bright-Eyes is fighting a cold/virus. He isn't too sick, just feels yucky. So he was laying on the couch in the living room while Mr. T and I talked in the bedroom. Suddenly we hear Middle-One racing pel-mel through the house, back and fourth, in and out of every room, ricocheting off the walls. We call to him...

"Middle... WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!?!?!"

He shrieks back...

"Bright-Eyes is going to puke, gotta get the trash can"

And he races by, trash can in hand.

We call back...

"WHOA!!!!!...Come here Middle"

That was met by an indignant argument...

"I've got to take this to Bright-Eyes, I TOLD you he was sick"

Mr. T grabs the trash can, heads to care for Bright-Eyes, and tells him...

"Then he needs his mom & dad, you have to tell US!"

And the argument began...

Well isn't a big brother supposed to take care of their little brothers?
(ummm... yes, by calling us)

I was just trying to help, you can't be mad at me for helping!
(and helping would have been calling us...)

and my personal fave...

"I didn't have time to call you, I had to go (across and around the house) to get a trash can"
(lets examine how long it takes to *call* us as apposed to racing through the house looking for a trash can)

He just did not see why we needed to know when he was on the job.

Too many cooks

2010-04-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

I think we all know what happens when there are too many cooks in the kitchen.

How about too many care givers in a child's life? People say that you can't have too many people love you... but what about too many people taking care of you (a different animal entirely)

Middle-One has been without medication for TWO weeks now. Why, you ask?... well it seems that his case with his psychiatrist was closed in January. The Dr. hasn't prescribed meds since OCTOBER.

In late February I was told that the case was being closed and, since Middle was transitioning home that I could begin taking over his care. So we made an appointment with the agency we use for therapy. We completed Middle's intake on the 27th of March. DHR signed his release forms (to access the records from the other agency) on the 9th of April. I then called to get an appointment with the psychiatrist and was given an appointment on the 7th of May.

However, on the 15th of April the foster care provider told us that Middle was now out of meds. Hmmmmmm.... Ok

We called and emailed the Social Worker asking for the name of the p-doc. She shared the name with us but also said that she didn't believe that this Dr would give us a script because Middle's case had been closed. I could not imagine that a caring Dr would allow a child to go without needed medication... but Whoa!! I was wrong!! After calling this agency and being told they wouldn't/couldn't talk to me, and then calling and emailing the SW for a week and a half to gain a release so the agency could/would talk to me ...The Dr DID decide to allow the child to go without needed medication. I was then informed that she hadn't written a script for him since the fall. Even though the SW claimed that they got scripts there recently.

So TWO WEEKS trying to get meds for my kid ended in failure. Why...... well, let's not be nit picky ;p)

I called upon the agency I know and love. They would have taken care of it right away but the psychiatrist was on vacation. They got me in to see the new p-doc on Monday the 3rd of May.

I am so often reminded of the scripture passage from first Kings about the two women and the child. The king was going to cut the child in two and give each woman a half. One woman said to go ahead, that way the child would not be hers or the other's. The other woman (the mother) pleaded for him to please not harm the child... just give him to the other woman but leave him whole.

I would walk on hot coals to help and provide for my kids. There is no bigger force than a loving mom.

Only one cook needed in this kitchen. The others are spoiling the soup!!!!

Prognosis

2010-04-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

I mentioned, in a previous post, that AT discussed with us, the records from the treatment facility.

This answered questions and raised some new ones (and again these will be addressed in another post), but it brought up a very important question that could not be ignored.

The facility therapist had begun doing a form of Attachment Therapy with Middle. She didn't have us participating, so she had no "attachment figure" but still began with the traditional work on birth-story, feelings and timeline. At some point during this work she made th dismal prognosis that middle was much too damaged to ever be able to attach to any family. He has no foundation on which to build. (somehow she got from that point to supporting a foster home placement with a single mom and younger children... but I digress)

At the end of our last therapy session our AT (who is always hopeful for healing in any child) told us that given the time we had before reunification, she did not feel that Middle would be ready to be in our home and she didn't know when he would be. Then she asked...

"What do you want to do?"

I truly had to ask what she meant because as I stated earlier I had not eaten any protien and was much like Larry's brother Larry at the moment.

AT clarified that we needed to decide if..

A) We were moving forward
B) We were ok with Middle coming home
C) What we would do if he wasn't sucessful

*sigh*

I don't know...

I told her ...

A) We had no choice.. the current was driving us and there was no turning back... besides. That would give everyone ZERO chance and success.
B) See answer "A"
C) ...... I don't know...

Should we even let our minds go to the possibility of failure? What would failure look like now? What would he have to do? Destroy some furniture? Burn the house down? Try to kill someone?... I have to admit that those things seem and sound so unbelievable now. But they were reality once. Do I put that behind us and wax hopeful? Do I shut the door?

.....I don't know.

And what if Middle should succeed but it pushes Bright-Eyes into total disregulation?

.....I don't know.
I have tried to seek the Lord on this and I guess I am not very sheep-like right now because I don't hear HIS voice.

Visit six

2010-04-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

Our visit began after Attachment therapy appointment 4.

Since Middle had gotten suspended and gotten into trouble we decided that the visit would be fun-free.

On Friday he wrote his sentences.

On Satuday he did yard work and wrote letter of apology to his teacher and his FCP.

On Sunday we went to church, bought pencils to give his teacher to make restitution for breaking pencils (he just did not get this one) and then Middle did more chores.

He pretty much took care of all debts owed.

And he lived through a video game free weekend... who'd have thunk ;o)

A peek into Attachment Therapy - Appointment 4

2010-04-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

This one was difficult ... Middle-One had just gotten suspended from school that morning, Bright-Eyes is spiraling down and was despondant and depressed and I didn't have protien for breakfast so had a blood-sugar fog. I don't think any of us were focussed.

We arrived at the school to pick Middle up, early. I had a conference scheduled with his teacher.

The first thing teacher said to me is...

"Middle has been sent home for the day due to behavior"

Hmmmm... and I thought he was doing so well :o)

Seems the Middle has been attempting to access porn on school computers and then denying.

He has also been arguing, being oppositional and posturing aggressively... let me share why this last behavior is amusing to me. Middle is a tiny, thin, pre-pubescent 14 y/o and teacher is an x-army, body building hulk with a neck thicker than my excessive waist. The child truly has to have no cause and effect, thinking he can stand off against this mountain of a man.

Looking to the positive, Teacher also shared with me how Middle was so smart because he was able to recite the school's code of conduct and his own IEP agaisnt the teacher while he attempted to drag Middle's scrawny butt to the office. .... that's my boy!!!

Poor teacher... then he had to sit there while I went through my list of questions. Oh and did I mention that this was the Teacher's first morning back after having recieved a compound fracture to his leg... Rough morning.

After the conference we headed to the FCP's home to pick Middle up. It turned out that FCP wasn't too happy with us because Mr. T didn't have his phone on and she had been trying to call him since she learned of Middle's suspension. I did have my phone on and with me... Just let that info fly in the wind for a while ;o)

Picked Middle up. FCP was assigning sentences for him to write over the weekend and getting an earful of defense in exchange.

Finally, we were off to therapy.

Before the boys we had "Family" therapy, which is the AT, Mr. T and I discussing everything to do with the boys and their most recent issues. We discussed the downward spiral of Bright-Eyes, the behavior of Middle .. and what seeing that behavior might mean for us in our home. This week AT had gotten all of the records form the treatment facility so we were also able to discuss those. .... She went through every phase of treatment at the facility. She knew that we had questions about the change toward us and the divisive attitude of the staff. The records revealed a lot. (that's for another post)

Bright-Eye's session was first...

He began it in an oppositional manner by refusing to remove his shoes right or sit correctly. He sat there through the entire session just zoned out. No eye contact no real answers and no cooperation. Bright-Eyes is normally very cooperative in therapy.

AT had him lay across our laps and he didn't want to.

AT talked to him about his behavior and fears and he didn't want to talk.

AT got him to admit that he needed to work his goals and she had him tell us what his goals were (ask and listen) and that was it.

He said "I don't know" a lot...

AT dismissed him and after he left told us that he is presenting as depressed. *sigh*

Middle-One's turn...

He didn't want to cooperate either. He was just angry.

The entire session was centered around the incident in school that morning. AT listened and allowed Middle to go on and on and on and on...... about it. I was ready to bang my head into a wall. It's a good thing I trust her because I really wondered what she was doing but I waited... she managed to bring it all back to show Middle that he was responsible. He did not want to see that though. More cause & effect in your face.

AT talked about the anger Middle had. She related it to the anger that kept him from joining his family. She walked him through his decision to get better and join his family again. Then Middle was released from our presence.

We called Ebear in just to help him to see how he wasn't helping in some earlier waiting-room behavior. The first thing he did was sit between Mr. T and I and lay his head in my lap. LOL... I love a healthy kid!!!

We went home to begin visit # 6

Runaway

2010-04-22T11:57:00.001-07:00

Bright-Eyes ran away today.

It was the third time since Middle-One began transitioning home.

The first two times were when Mr. T was home and he was able to go after him and bring him back.. Mr. T was working today and I didn't want to call him... I could handle this. We need for him to work and he needs to know that he doesn't have to give up his job and stand guard over the kids again... we are NOT going back to that EVER!!

Middle will be coming home this evening with Mr. T. Obviously it was the foremost thing on Bright-Eye's mind and he could think of, or focus on, nothing else. His stress built up to unbearable and before I knew it he was out the door and down the street.

In a southern rural area, with stray dogs and a few registered sexual offenders, I couldn't let him get too far. Ebear and I grabbed our shoes and hit the road. Ebear on foot and me in the van.

It took us a few minutes to find him and I was wondering if he had taken an off-road route, but he was seen and pointed out by a passing elderly lady. I managed to get him to slow down at a church parking lot but he wouldn't actually stop and refused to talk. He was beyond caring about anything or anyone, he was 100% in flight mode.

He took off down a lonely, narrow, curvy highway. His brother followed to try to talk to him to try to keep him safe... I put on my hazard lights and followed as best I could.

I know I should have felt fear, concern and worry. I should have felt sad for the damage that led to this and caused this child to feel so anxious... but I didn't. In that moment, I was MAD beyond MAD!

So angry at this constant behavior. So infuriated at having to deal with this in not only one or two of my children, but ALL THREE!!! I started out mad at Bright-Eyes... at his lack of remorse or compassion. Mad at his impulsiveness and his lack of trust. Mad at his desperation to escape a home where there was no impending danger... just fear. So so mad at his 11 y/o, anxiety induced, selfishness.

I headed down the highway...

I began asking God why my children did this and why I could do nothing to stop them. I am a good (read WONDERFUL) mom. I treasure my kids. I would protect them with my life. I had researched and learned about their needs and made huge accommodations to meet hem where they are. I work so hard at balancing discipline and blessings... I take parenting seriously. But I adopted children who were hurt and then adopted a baby who got hurt in this chaos of dysfunction.

I passed them with windows down and tried to persuade Bright-Eyes to get in... he refused, a car approached and I moved on...

Then I was (again) so deeply sorry for allowing the hurt, which led to the fear, which led to the behavior... I cried out to God "I'm sorry!!!!!!!"... and then the truth began to explode out like vomit...

I went farther down the highway, realizing again how narrow the road is and how few places there are to pull over or turn around...

"WHY????... Why did you open the doors for these adoptions whey you knew the outcome... we asked you to close the door if it wasn't your will??????"

I circled back to stay close to my boys...

"WHY??? why has this one not healed and this one not trusted....... WHY is this still happening???"

I got caught close to a ditch and couldn't turn around....

"I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I inched out of the situation and headed back again...

"LORD!!!!!! I can't fix this and I don't know what to do.........."

I slowed as I passed again but he wouldn't even look at me...

"I'm so ANGRY............. I'm so angry....... at YOU!!!!!!!!!!!...... I'm mad at you!!!!!!!!"

I screamed at God, pounded the steering wheel and hoped HE was big enough to face my anger...

"WHY... what good can possibly come from this?"

I circled back again.. the boys were getting to an area of highway where there is no room to walk... I was getting desperate..

"What did I ever do to deserve this... I CAN'T protect them!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I circled back... I thought that maybe I was making this about me a little too much...

"You are the only one who can protect them right now... PLEASE keep them safe"

I watched a truck whip around the narrow mountain curve that I knew hid my children from my sight...

"keep them safe!!!"

It was more a demand than request...I sobbed... and circled back again...

I saw that they were safe and past the danger... I went on and parked in the driveway of an old country church and cried.

I went back and forth for over and hour... finally the boys got far enough that they met me at that church and Bright-Eyes was tired enough or far enough from home or relaxed enough to choose to get in the van... He apologized and added his tears to mine.

We went to the park. My anger was gone as soon as he leaned against me and cried and said

"Mommy, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry"

An apology goes a long way. Remorse shown goes a VERY long way. Any sign of health in this child softens me and brings my nurture out.

We sat and talked a long time... my words were the therapeutic words he needed and we processed all of his feelings and thoughts.

School and chore time is gone and I think that any hope of productivity today is blown, like a dandelion in the wind.

Recover and move on... it is our battle cry.

So what's the problem?

2010-04-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

That was the question asked of me by the state advocacy counselor after I shared some of the neglect issues concerning Middle-One.

Hmmmmmm... well, the problem might be that you are a college intern and have NO IDEA what it's like to be Mama Bear to an emotionally disturbed, mentally disabled, border line MR child who has had his needs overlooked and ignored for a year!!!!

You might have overlooked the word *ADVOCACY* in the title of the organization because it suggests that you will ADVOCATE!!!!

Maybe the problem is that there are so many extreme issues to deal with that medical neglect and disrespect of confidentiality are not even comparable so we drop the bar and let the kids who are ok and surviving fall through the cracks.

Maybe the problem is that as soon as you heard the phrase "foster care" your tone changed and you began asking questions instead of listening, even after I explained that we did have our parental rights and we had placed him voluntarily and we were involved and participating in his care.

The problem could be the accusation in your voice when you asked

"How would you know this"

When I explained that our child with sensory issues who chews on any object and needs regular dental care has not been seen in a year.

How would I KNOW?

Because I am his mother.

Random RADness

2010-04-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

Last week we got an unexpected call from Middle-One, from a different number than usual....

"Hello?"

"Ugh, who is this?"

"Hello?... Middle?"

"Hey mommy"

"What are you doing Middle?"

"Supposed to be cleaning up a mess"

"Ok, What mess?"

"Oh just a mess I made that I'm supposed to be cleaning up."

"Where are you?"

"Oh, I'm here at Gran's house" (FCP's mom's)

(Just then a surprised but obviously aggravated voice came from the background...)

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THAT PHONE?"

(I'm thinking he's doing all he can to keep from doing what you want him to do ;o)

I did my part in telling him to do the right thing.

So much for "stress free"

2010-04-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

We took a visiting break this weekend. We hoped to get caught up on school work, house work... maybe even get some clutter cleared out so we can readjust the boys rooms for middle's return.

We have done nothing... including sleep. I haven't been able to sleep for two nights. Why? Because I feel so stressed I can barely breath. Mr. T is having trouble sleeping too and admits to feeling anxious. Bright-Eyes has also been edgy and it was for him that we decided to forgo the visit. Oh well.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful

2010-04-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

and don't judge me because you're clueless!!

A peek into Attachment Therapy - Appointment 3

2010-04-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

This session began with a surprise. The DHR SW showed up at our session to sign all of the release forms.. a good thing but another reminder that Middle-One is not in our custody and we are not in charge.

An even stronger reminder when the SW sits in the presence of your entire family and berates your child for the unkempt appearance of his hair...... ummmmmmm EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!!

I find it unpleasant to sit and watch someone else "parent" my child. In fact, it's offensive. I remind myself that she doesn't have children and therefore doesn't know what it's like to sit in my seat.

After SW left we were able to begin... The usual; Middle came in and took off his shoes to reveal that he did not wear socks today. We all had to discuss that choice and I ended up telling him that I would bring some really cute socks for him next week if he should forget again. (hehehe)

We assumed the position... Mr. T on the left of the couch, me on the right and Middle laying across our laps with his head resting on a pillow. This gives me the opportunity to hold him and make eye contact without him being able to avoid me too much.

We began again with his birth story... always with the birth story. The more it is discussed the less powerful. secretive and mysterious it can be in the mind of the adoptee... so we discuss it again and again.

AT went to discussing the mad feeling that Middle had revealed at the last appointment. He had said the reason he did all the things he did was because he was mad. She began walking him through his emotions from pre-birth. He asked him... Sad,Mad, Scared or Glad for every stage; birth, placement one, placement two... etc. They were mostly mad, except when he threw in a "glad" when it was obviously not a "glad", just to mix things up.

Middle kept trying to divert to other subjects. He got to getting in trouble at school and being bullied. AT grabbed her notebook and expertly (I mean she is impressive) and routed him right back to the mad feelings. She asked him how things happened when the kids at school were messing with him. As he told her she created a chain analysis (A chart used to promote cause & effect thinking). She tracked out everything that happened to create the incident and then asked him why he got in trouble at school...

"I don't know"

"You can't say I don't know"

"But I really don't know"

"What did you do?"

"Nothing, it was because they keep messin with me"

"And what do you do when they mess with you?"

"Get mad"

"And what do you do when you get mad"

"Yell at them"

"And then what happens?"

"I get in trouble"

"So, Middle, (she uses her pencil to point to the correct box on the chart) what did *YOU* do to get in trouble"

"NOTHING! Those kids got me in trouble by messin with me"

We went through this a few times, each time the AT worded it a little differently, explaining how his choice of response was getting him in trouble and helping him realize there were other choices... but each time he just couldn't make the connection to his choice... hopefully one day he will.

AT turned it all back to the beginning of his life and talked to him about being a baby and being mad. She went through each placement and explained how as a baby, he was born only knowing his birth mom. He knew her sound and smell and feel. It is natural that he would expect her to be there and would look for her. AT explained how at each place he went to he looked for his birth mom and how this made him feel. Using the emotions he had given her earlier she brought him up into the present explaining that he is STILL a mad baby inside and is still looking for his birth mom ad that's why he doesn't want to let me be his mom.

We were surprise when Middle got emotional. He began to go on about school but then talked about his foster home and how difficult it is for him to be told one thing there and another at our house. He also said he just wanted to be with us... then he said he just wanted to live in a facility... this went back and forth but the one one consistency was that he did NOT want to be at the foster home. He curled into me and cried and I held him and wiped away his tears... this NEVER happened the first time he went through therapy and we all wondered if it is maturity, healing or the proximity of not being with us on a daily basis that makes us feel "safer" to trust... time will tell.

AT went on to help Middle-One see that while he has trouble at school and at his foster placement, he has not ever, once talked to us about this. He doesn't share any information with us. She explained that if he really wanted help that he needed to tell mid mom and dad. If he didn't tell us we couldn't help him.

The discussion turned to his goals... Asking and Listening. The two hardest things for a child with RAD. But the most important. He needs to ask.. and (really) listen.

After the session we enjoyed family time on the side of the interstate while Mr. T. changed a flat tire. Then we went to grab something to eat and took Middle back to his foster home. No visit this weekend. We are trying to catch up on some things and giving the other boys a stress free break.

Next week is a session for both Middle and Bright-Eyes, and a weekend visit. Can't wait!... can you?

Thoughts

2010-04-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

Someone posed a question on a Christian, homeschooling, forum that I am a member of. She simply asked what we thought of this story
... I think all who know me would have no doubt that I would have some thoughts on the subject. Here they are, in expanded version...

I'm thinking that Russia needs to wake up, take some responsibility and quit lying about the emotional disabilities of these children. Honestly, what do they expect.

I think they should also start offering some help... but then that takes money.

I'm thinking that it's beyond tragic that there are no real services available to families who adopt internationally and find themselves home with a child who is damaged. Therapy and residential treatment are often not covered by insurance and many families have no help.

I'm wondering what that mom's life was like... both with her child and with her community. Was she judged? Was she supported? Was she accused? Was she helped?

I'm thinking that is SO MUCH of this story not told in the article.

I'm thinking that the adoption process is a long, exhausting, expensive road and this woman spent a year or more of her life preparing to be this little boy's mother. She had dreams and hopes and she is also heartbroken.

I'm thinking that she was also finger-printed, interviewed, checked and checked again and was found to be a trustworthy and competent parent.

I'm thinking that I know this child. I would recognize the dark look in his eyes and the behavior that cries LOVE ME!!/DON'T LOVE ME!!!. I'm so deeply heart-wretchedly sad, for that child because . I understand him because I held a child just like him today in therapy. I know in his heart of hearts he yearns to be loved but he is soooooooooooo scared because rejection is like death and while he might have made it impossible for his mom to love him, he now has been rejected again.

I'm thinking that this might have been his last chance, but I hope not. I hope and pray that the God who knows the plans HE has for us, plans to give us hope and a future, to prosper us and not to harm us, will redeem this precious little life and give him a chance to love and be loved. It won't be easy, but he is a God of miracles and HE is able to do all thing.

I'm thinking...What a horrible tragedy. There were probably so many things that could have changed the outcome, so many turns in this road that could have followed a different path. I wonder why it happened.

I also think that I am blessed beyond blessed to have the support services that I have (due to domestic foster-care adoption) because that could me you just read about.

Frustrations and injustices

2010-04-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I find frustrating about being my kids' mom. Very little of which has anything to do with my kids. I love my kids and have worked hard to understand them and why they do the things they do. I consider parenting a verb and I take it seriously... so it has been difficult to be in the position of being the mom in a world of experts professionals and general powers-that-be, who pass in and out of my child's life.

So I thought I would attempt to list these annoyances... and I will just add to the list as time goes by... this way I don't have to hold onto it and maybe I can let it go... maybe...

*The well-known, reputable psychiatrist, saying, about our pre-school aged aggressive RADish (when we explained that he wasn't actually "explosive" in a Ross Greene sort of way, as was assumed, but rather seemed to have a simmering anger all the time) "Well what does he have to be angry about?"

*The RTC therapist who spent three years telling us that Middle couldn't/shouldn't come home and not doing ANY family therapy, only to flip as soon as payment ended and say that he is fine and can step down to a least restrictive setting and should do great in a foster home with a single mom and two younger children.

*The same RTC therapist who after being told of our concerns about placing Middle with a single woman and no "father figure" said "Well, it depends on the strength of the mom"... really?... Really???

*The SW who refers to her clients as all "her" kids and insists that she knows my son because he talks to her.

*The foster parent who REFUSES to meet with his therapist and learn about his disorder or answer any of our questions or requests... of feed him well... or take him to medical appointments...or show up on time...or work with us in any way

*The attorney who insist that he knows how I feel because he too is a parent (Really????) and refuses to allow me to finish a sentence because he knows what I'm going to say and talks to me like I'm four

*The judge (who is actually a good judge) that refused to give us access to view video tape of the illegal restraint on Middle even though the staff worker was let go.

*The school that refuses to inform us of anything directly, even though the legally should.

*The school secretary who treats Mr. T like a criminal when he checks Middle-One out of school

*The foster parent who wants so desperately to be perceived and doing a good job, that she downplays behavior and doesn't tell

*The fact that my child has gone without meds because prescriptions were not filled and has gone without glasses for 6 months while I have been able and willing to care for him but not told about his needs.

*Being told that the PTB want to make sure that Mr. T and I know how to "parent our special needs child" and then watching everyone in his life berate him, punish him and NEGLECT HIM!!!!!!!

*Being told (while discussing the level of behavior it would take for Middle to leave our home again) that Middle is just Middle and I can't be nick-picky about behaviors.

*Being told that no one will encourage, assist or supervise phone calls to teach life skills and support family connectiveness because he is 14 years old (and I guess should just know how to do that even without access to a phone), but then having someone pack his backpack for visits because they assume he can't do that for himself ?!?!?!?!?!

*Having other people make decisions about my child that should be ours to make.

*The treatment facility staff who felt it was ok to take my child to church, shopping and out to eat in a one on one setting... especially the young female worker who thought I was crazy for suggesting that it might not be wise to take my pre-adolescent boy child *ALONE* out to dinner at night to a nice restaurant to learn social skills.

*Having people assume that because we sought help and an out of home placement that we don't want to be our child's family.

*The treatment facility therapist who said good-bye to Middle by asking him who is favorite therapist was (He responded "You?") and then telling him to always remember who his favorite therapist is (that ought to have prepared him to move on)

*The therapist who decided that phone calls and visits had to be supervised because we didn't agree with the choice to place in foster care

*The workers who bought into Middle's tears when he got mad at not being able to keep us on the phone while he listed doing things we had told him not to do

*The foster parent who plans out-of-town trips, with no warning, and then expects us to adjust around her plans and outside of the agreed upon plan

Random RADness

2010-04-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

After Mr. T picked up Middle-One for the visit, Middle asked Mr. T if he knew what a "Lineup" was? Mr T responded that it is when the police line up prisoners for identification. Middle went on to ask Mr. T if he was going to give him a hair cut this weekend.

Mr. T reminded him that it was his birthday and Easter after all, and he had other plans for the weekend.

Not another word was said.

After Mr. T dropped Middle off on Sunday, and was on the way home, the foster care provider called...

"Mr. T, I took Middle-One to get a hair cut on Friday but he refused. He said he didn't need a haircut because you were going to do it over the weekend. He told everyone that you did the best "Lineup" and it was a lot better than he could get anywhere else. I just wanted you to know I tried"

:o)

Someone is going to have some ratty hair for while.

Visit five

2010-04-04T18:55:00.000-07:00

This visit did not begin with a therapy appointment. It was Good Friday and the AT needed to cancel the appointment.

In the hopes that it would help Bright-Eyes to relax a little, we decided to pick Middle-One up on Saturday morning instead of Friday afternoon and just have an overnight visit.

Saturday; Mr. T. and Bright-Eyes drove over to get Middle and bring him home. On they way home they stopped to pick up Mr. T's birthday cake (His was the last in the birthday marathon, Whew!).

All was well until the magical crossing of the threshold. The very instant Bright-Eyes feet crossed into our home, he became a frantic, anxious, loud, hyper mess of nerves (for those of you above the Mason-Dixon line, a "mess" is southern for a "bunch of"). Middle seemed rather calm and laid back... almost lethargic. He went on about his business and did basically nothing to provoke this high anxiety reaction. It was all PTS and no amount of talking and reasoning worked to calm him down. Bright-Eyes *knew* he was feeling anxious and he *knew* it was based on past experiences and the fear of what might happen, but fear is unreasonable and he was powerless to change his feelings. So we reviewed relaxation techniques and went on.

The boys did play together under watchful supervision. I prepared Mr. T's Chicken Tertrazzini birthday dinner. We all gathered and feasted... the boys ate THREE helpings a piece!

We celebrated Mr. T's birthday with cake and ice cream later in the evening. About two bites into the cake Middle announced that his throat hurt. He got a shower and spent the rest of the visit on the couch.

Around 4:30 AM I woke to the sound of "mooommmy".... "mooooommmmy"......"mooooommmmmy.. being whispered really loud. I opened my eyes to see Middle silhouetted in the doorway whispering across the room at me. This was startling for a couple of reasons...

1) the only other time that Middle had EVER deliberately woken me during the night was a completely psychotic and nightmarish event when he was 6 years old.

2) Middle doesn't usually seek help or comfort.

I sat up and asked (probably a little too quickly)

"What is it sweety?"

"I don't feel good... my throat hurts and my head hurts"

I got out of bed and cared for my middle child and he let me. (Please take a moment here for this to truly register)....... I was able to take his temperature, give him Ibuprofen, spray his throat with sore throat spray (and FYI, that is the official name of the stuff... I checked ;o) ), escort him back to bed and even pray over him.

As I got back into bed I relished in that full on mom-moment for a second and then wondered just how long it would be before I saw payback :o)

Easter morning found Middle still sick and he and I stayed home from church. Mr. T. and the other two went off to the morning service.

Middle-One laid on the couch all day. This made for a very easy visit. I brought him Ibuprofen every few hours and encouraged him to drink liquids and eat what he could. He watched TV.

I was going beautifully until I decided it was time for him to get ready to go back and told him to go get dressed.

"I'm just going to wear this"

Middle gestured to his gym shorts and T-shirt that he had slept in and laid around in all day.

I knew I should have said "ok"... I do know better than to step into that ring... but I ignored my acquired wisdom and opened my mouth... the words that spilled out sounded something like

"uhhh... No, you're not, go change"

*hanging my head in shame*

Yes, I know, it doesn't sound a bit like Love & Logic or Nancy Thomas or even Heather Forbes. But there it was, a pile of words laying out there for all to see and there was no taking them back.

The power struggled ensued.

I did win by the way, but it didn't end easily or quickly.

I think I need to spend this week role-playing and brushing up on my nurturing and empathetic words... any volunteers?

RAD 101

2010-04-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

This is my contribution to Brenda's (Living With RAD) cry for more basic information. I humbly hope that it helps...

What is RAD?

RAD is an acronym for Reactive Attachment Disorder, or Attachment Disorder. It is caused by the lack of attachment or unhealthy attachment in a child.

What are the symptoms of R/AD?

According to the DSM-IV-TR the diagnostic criteria for 313.89 Reactive Attachment Disorder of Infancy or Early Childhood, is;

A. Markedly disturbed and developmentally inappropriate social relatedness
in most contexts, beginning before age 5 years, as evidenced by either (1)
or
(2):
(1) persistent failure to initiate or respond in a
developmentally
appropriate fashion to most social interactions, as manifest
by excessively
inhibited, hypervigilant, or highly ambivalent and
contradictory responses
(e.g., the child may respond to caregivers with a
mixture of approach,
avoidance, and resistance to comforting, or may exhibit
frozen watchfulness)
(2) diffuse attachments as manifest by indiscriminate
sociability with
marked inability to exhibit appropriate selective
attachments (e.g., excessive
familiarity with relative strangers or lack of
selectivity in choice of
attachment figures)

B. The disturbance in
Criterion A is not accounted
for solely by developmental delay (as in Mental
Retardation) and does not meet
criteria for a Pervasive Developmental
Disorder.

C. Pathogenic care as
evidenced by at least one of the
following:
(1) persistent disregard of the
child's basic emotional needs
for comfort, stimulation, and affection
(2)
persistent disregard of the
child's basic physical needs
(3) repeated
changes of primary caregiver
that prevent formation of stable attachments (e.g.,
frequent changes in
foster care)

D. There is a presumption that the care
in Criterion C
is responsible for the disturbed behavior in Criterion A (e.g.,
the
disturbances in Criterion A began following the pathogenic care in Criterion
C).

Specify type:

Inhibited Type: if Criterion A1
predominates
in the clinical presentation
Disinhibited Type: if
Criterion A2 predominates
in the clinical presentation

These official criteria translate into the unofficial symptoms that families of RAD kids live with. These two do not negate one another, they are the same... really.

Commonly recognized symptoms are (from the excellent web site RADkid.org);

Symptoms of RAD in Children

Superficially charming and engaging,
particularly around strangers or those who they feel they can manipulate
Indiscriminate affection, often to strangers; but not affectionate on
parent’s terms
Problems making eye contact, except when angry or lying
A
severe need to control everything and everyone; worsens as the child
gets older
Hypervigilant
Hyperactive, yet lazy in performing tasks
Argumentative, often over silly or insignificant things
Frequent
tantrums or rage, often over trivial issues
Demanding or clingy, often
at
inappropriate times
Trouble understanding cause and effect
Poor
impulse
control
Lacks morals, values, and spiritual faith
Little or
no empathy;
often have not developed a conscience
Cruelty to animals
Lying for no
apparent reason
False allegations of abuse
Destructive to property or
self
Stealing
Constant chatter;
nonsense questions
Abnormal speech
patterns; uninterested in learning
communication skills
Developmental /
Learning delays
Fascination
with fire, blood and gore, weapons, evil; will
usually make the bad choice
Problems with food; either hoarding it or
refusing to eat
Concerned
with details, but ignoring the main issues
Few
or no long term friends;
tend to be loners
Attitude of entitlement and
self-importance
Sneaks
things without permission even if he could have had
them by asking
Triangulation of adults; pitting one against the other
A
darkness
behind the eyes when raging

Is there hope and healing for R/AD?

When were were attending our foster/adoption classes we were asked what we could handle in terms of special needs. The form listed everything out... physical, mental, emotional and learning disorders. The ONE that we absolutely, emphatically, without a doubt, said "NO" to, was RAD. The one we ended up dealing with, in all of our children, in one form or another was RAD... the ONE and only one that can be healed and overcome completely is RAD. Do not be afraid. There is hope.

Our oldest son is healing and doing great. He is an absolute joy to be with much of the time. There was a time when we wouldn't have believed it was possible.

How do I parent my child with R/AD?

Very carefully!!!! LOL

Parenting a RADish is completely different and upside down compared to parenting a bonded and functional child. The parenting techniques are going to be different than those of your friends and family and will bring your parenting into judgement. Be ready. Suit up in your toughest rhino suit and let the arrows fall to the ground. The parenting and the nurturing is what will bring about the healing. Keep your eye on the goal and ignore the nay-sayers.

These are the parenting tips and techniques, given to us by our AT (Attachment Therapist) that we (try to) use...

Ineffective Discipline
(These are the more traditional parenting techniques that work beautifully
with healthy children and not so much with RAD kids)

Rewards
Punishment
Time outs
Corporal
Grounding
Deprivation
Isolation

Avoid Control battles, Win the battles you chose to take
on. Pick and choose carefully

Effective Discipline
(These are the less than traditional methods that work better for RAD
kids)

Natural and Logical consequences
Control the battles you wage
Give choices when appropriate
Praise /Accountability
Prescribing
behaviors
Unpredictability
Reciprocity
Reduced Anger
Humor and
Play
One Minute Scold

Parenting skills

1) Joining in
2) Paradox (reverse psychology)
3) Natural and Logical Consequences
4) Prescribe
5) Flexible
6) Less talk
7) More action
8) Pick
your battles
9) Inconsistent consistencies
10) Restitution and apologies
11) Nurture ***** Especially nurture after confrontation.

These
skills are used to move the child forward developmentally. They generate
thinking and sequencing which changes brain functions and creates cause and
effect thinking!

Only work on 3-5 things at a time. Ex. Stealing,
aggression, and sexual behaviors. If you try to change 80 behaviors and you only
change 10 you are still losing the fight. If you focus on only 3-5 battles and
you win them all, then you are winning.

Most of these children are stuck
at the age of trauma. Often prior to age two, this means that they have no cause
and effect thinking. Therefore, you must direct a child as if they are the
developmental age that they are. For example, you would tell a 2 year to go pick
something up if they spilled or dropped it and you would watch or help them if
indicated.

Use restitution as much as possible to kick start cause and
effect thinking. (tasks, fines, etc. ) Always have them apologize for
inappropriate behaviors even if they do not mean it.

How do I find help for my child with R/AD

10 years ago, when my husband and I were beginning the search for help, it was rare and expensive. There was not a single Attachment Therapist in our state. Thankfully attachment therapy is becoming a more widely accepted and used model of therapy. Some family therapist are even including attachment based family therapy in their offerings.

There are therapists, clinics and Attachment and Bonding centers all over the US now (I don't know beyond those borders)

To find an attachment therapist you can look through the online directories.

http://www.attachment.org/pages_find_therapist.php

http://www.attach.org/regmembnonpri.asp

http://radkid.org/treatment_usa.html

Find those that are in your area or closest to you and begin calling. These are only the clinicians who have taken the time to register. Many many more are not listed in these directories. Our own AT is not in the directories. She has a waiting list from word-of-mouth alone. So call and ask and ask and call.

You can also call your state and county mental health office.
Department of Human Resources or Child Protective Services
Children's Hospitals
Or
Just call every counselor/therapist/child psychologist and psychiatrist that you can find in the yellow pages.

There is help and hope.

What is Attachment Therapy and what's the difference?

Attachment therapy is a model that focuses on the bonding and attaching of the client to
their family. It is truthful, respectful and hard work.

What Attachment Therapy is *not*...

Attachment therapy is not play therapy or talk/cognitive therapy. It does not have a goal of creating a trust relationship with the therapist. It is not client driven. That means the therapist is not going to begin a session by asking what the child wants to talk about and work on, they are more likely going to tell the child that they have an issue to work on then lay it out on the table and give them tools to work. It is not private between counselor and client. It includes rather than excludes, the parents/family. It does not walk softly, instead it is open, honest and direct.

It is also not "rage" therapy, "rebirthing" therapy or "restraining" therapy.

Attachment therapy does not harm children or kill them, it gives them life.

I feel a strongly about the subject ;o)

What if my child displays the symptoms but is not diagnosed with RAD?

A child can have Attachment Disorder and not be diagnosed. Just like a child can have the flu and not be diagnosed. The lack of diagnoses does not make the disorder non-existent. Just because there is not official diagnoses does not mean that they don't have Attachment Disorder.

RAD is the disorder or extreme end of the spectrum of attachment. If the left side of the curve is a healthy, bonded, functional child and the far right side (no political references intended)
is severe RAD, that leaves everything else in the middle. So even a child who does not have
the disorder, might have attachment issues that would benefit from Attachment Therapy.

On the other hand a child might have another disorder that shares the same symptoms. This is why seeking psychiatric help early, and from a Dr who is familiar with RAD, Pediatric Bipolar, ADHD, FASD etc., is so important.

Why does diagnoses make a difference?

Because treatment is driven by diagnoses not behavior. Behavior is a symptom and treating symptoms is never effective. For instance, a child who rages might have Bipolar Disorder, RAD or ADHD. Each of those diagnoses might include rages. Rages would be a symptom. But each of those diagnoses would have different motivations for the rages. Just like a sore throat could either be brought on by a cold or a bacterial infection. Treatment has to understand motive or cause, to be effective. If you suspect that your child has RAD (or any other
specific disorder) and your treatment professional tells you it doesn't matter because they are treating the behavior, find a new treatment professional. It does matter.

*I will add to this post as I see the need and have time.

It's the little things

2010-03-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

Having a child who lives elsewhere is hard. I think most people would agree and understand that it must be hard. But, like everything involving parenting a special needs child, I don't think most people really understand just how hard.

The day to day life that most parents take for granted is lost for a parent who parents remotely. Sometimes the staff and professional will understand that loss and work toward helping families remained connected, but often they don't see the need or don't think it's best... sometimes they even feel it's harmful.

This is especially complicated in the case of a child who has attachment disorder and doesn't get why he should tell you anything about his life because... well... it is *his* life after all. Without the help of the people in his life, we are left knowing nothing and having no input.

The losses pile up and snowball and hit you in the face, one by one...

Your child wears clothes that you have never seen, they give away clothes and gifts that you give them, they go to bed at night and rise in the morning without a good night or good morning from you. They read books and watch movies that you are never able to discuss with them. They learn, they see, the grow and they do and you never know.

Moment after moment races by without you knowing what fills them. Teachable moments, so many opportunities to pray with them, to talk to them, to share life and find joy and to nurture and show love.

So many other people coming and going in the child's life. So many other world views and perspectives. So many comments, so many values. So little input from you. Opportunities for growth and seeing family promoted as a priority are overlooked and lost.

Today I discovered that Middle's school picture day came and went without a word to me. His proofs were sent home to his FCP and whatever she did or didn't do happened without a word to me. The total disregard for us and our connection to our son is the heaviest burden to bear.

It is the little things that can not ever be repeated or replaced. Those things that a mother wants to know in her quest to know her child. It's the little things that knit hearts together and join lives. It's the little things that we grieve.

Visit four

2010-03-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

We went into this visit still unrecovered from the surprise four-day weekend of the past week's visit. That probably didn't help...

Friday we four rose early and got ready to head out. We drove across the county to pick Middle up from school. On the way we called his FCP to ask where and how we would get his weekend meds. She was at work but told us that she had put them in his backpack. Great!

We checked Middle-one out of school and he arrives with a heavily frosted cupcake, no backpack. So we ask...

"Where is your backpack?"

"I didn't bring it"

"Why not?"

"Because it's got my clothes in it?

........................... (some things really don't need to be thought about too much)

"Isn't that why you should have brought it?"

"NO!....that's embarrassing!!!"

*we paused to breath deeply... we have learned that we should always make sure we have enough rest, hydration and breath to successfully face the day.

Mr. T called the FCP at work, AGAIN to ask when we might be able to get said backpack. She wouldn't be home at all until Saturday so we had to plan to drive an hour each way to obtain the clothes and meds that Middle had chosen not to bring. We verified with her that he had been instructed to bring the bag. She said yes. We began planning chores to provide him with money to pay for our gas and time....

Meanwhile, Middle contentedly ate his cupcake, in front of his brothers and got frosting all over himself and the van.

And we're off...

The therapy appointment was fine and is fully detailed in another post.

We headed home after therapy and did much of nothing. Mr. T went out later and got pizza and the movie Planet 51 and we all enjoyed a family evening in front of the TV.

Saturday morning was fairly peaceful and uneventful. We had breakfast and Mr. T took all three boys to drive over to FCP home and pick up the backpack. Then they all went grocery shopping... yes, sometimes I doubt his sanity, but never his love. I had the morning to do school work and soak in the peace.

The afternoon was spent doing chores and letting the boys play.

Middle and Bright-Eyes began to have some challenges. Unfortunately Middle-One wasn't working on processing so he argued and defended anytime we tried to help them resolve the issue. This just caused Bright-Eyes more stress and things began to snowball.

Bright-Eyes tried to walk away when things began to feel threatening... as instructed. Middle-One came to talk to us when things got frustrating... as instructed. But it all broke down there so we used parenting technique #408. It goes something like this... "If you two can't get along then you don't need to be together". You can see those years of intense therapy and parenting training shining through can't you? ;o)

Since they couldn't be together and Middle is challenged when given idol time, I made a debt log and began to find chores for him to work for gas money. To his credit he did work hard and worked of half of his debt. The rest will have to be completed during the next visit. Hopefully he won't add to it.

Sunday began with the usual petty challenges of just getting three boys up and ready for church on time. No one even needs special needs and emotional disturbances to feel that pain.

We got to church, attended church, left church and headed home all without event.

We balanced that out by including a jaunt to the emergency room later...

We managed to get through lunch and Bright-Eyes was playing... alone, because the sibling segregation continued... when we all heard the screaming. Bright-Eyes was on his knees with his bloodied hand over his eye. This was my cue to become the "weaker sex" and let Mr. T. sweep in and take charge, least I pass out cold. My knight ran to Bright-Eyes, and determined that his eye was safe and secure but he had punctured and stick through his face, just below his eyelid and it needed to be checked out and likely stitched up.

Looking back I am glad that Middle-One didn't come running with morbid fascination, wanting to see the blood and asking if his brother was going to die. I guess we have made progress.

Middle even began to collect his clothes and personal items when instructed because we thought we would have to take him back ... but we changed out plans when we realized Bright-Eye's face was still bleeding and Mr. T. decided to just get to the ER ASAP. We sent Ebear to sit with and comfort his brother, and Middle and I remained at the house.

Middle used the time wisely to play video games without interruption. Still no concern or compassion, but at least we didn't have to deal with the morbid fascinations... there is hope.

I called the FCP right away to explain that we had an emergency and would be later for drop off. She said she had a church service but would be home in the evening after 6:00. I asked her if she would be home all evening and she confirmed that she would... this is important.

Surprisingly, Mr. T called soon after they arrived at the ER to tell me they were already finished and on the way back. No stitches for Bright-Eyes this time and he had missed his eye completely so no damage. They glued the cut shut and sent him on his way.

Realizing I hadn't in a while, I took time to pause and breath deeply.

When they got home we decided that I would take all three boys to drop Middle off so that Mr. T. could study for his Science exam Monday morning.

As we headed out Middle wondered if he could take our fruit with him. I assured him that his FCP would feed him and provide food. :o)

We headed out at 6:30. I called the FCP's house to let her know that we were on the way. I got her voice mail and left a message.

The segregated boys were now together in tight quarters and grumpy. We didn't get a mile down the road before Middle became hostile toward Bright-Eyes every time he spoke. And Bright-Eyes wasn't in a forgiving mood since he was now sporting a wad of glue under his blackening swollen eye. I began pulling over to the side of the road to allow Middle to get quiet and stop harassing his brother. I stopped three times before we had even made it to the highway... I was having second thoughts about the wisdom of bringing them together but didn't want to admit defeat so we went on.

About halfway there Bright-Eyes tells me he is starting to hurt again and I realized that his pain killer was wearing off. I would need to drop Middle off and go to the store.

We arrived at the FCP's home about 7:30. No one was home. I called Mr. T to ask for her cell #. Mr. T said he would try also. We both called the cell phone and the home phone again. We left messages but there was no response.

The boys and I sat for about 20 minutes and I began to wonder what I should do. We had no idea where she was or why she wasn't at home like she had said she would be.

Bright-Eyes was in a lot of pain now so I left to find a store to buy some Ibuprofen, drinks and a snack. We headed back to the FCP's home ... still not there. It was nearly 8:00 at this point and I was considering just bringing Middle back home.

Should have been breathing deeply here... sometimes we just don't remember to take care of ourselves.

Just after 8:00 Mr. T. called and said that FCP had called the house and asked him what he wanted to do. Neither of us understood what that meant at the time. (Later we realized that she hadn't heard the VM messages and assumed that we still had Middle at our house. ) Mr. T. told her that we were at her home waiting and had been there for quite a while. She answered...

"Ok, well I'm at church"

Mr. T assumed that meant that she was on her way and told me that. We waited....

Middle and Bright-Eyes were getting more and more anxious having to wait for and unforeseen amount of time stuck together in a van. Middle-One was being oppositional which wasn't helping any of us to wait patiently.

It was close to 8:30 when a familiar van pulled up. It was familiar only to Middle and Ebear who had seen it before at past drop offs with Mr. T. It was the sister in law of FCP. They announced that they had come to pick Middle-One up.

We all transferred his belongings from one vehicle to another, I stopped him and told him that I love him, and he was gone.

Halfway home I received a call from his FCP who told me that she was sending someone to pick him up and that she was still at church... Ummmmmmm... yeah, they got him already.

And thus ended visit four.

I have all week to breath deeply.. inhale... exhale....

Random RADness

2010-03-30T09:15:00.001-07:00

We were doing chores on Saturday afternoon. In typical fashion Middle-One was finding every creative way he could do what we said to do but without really obeying. It was frustrating and incredibly amussing at the same time.

Middle had been told to sweep the floor and to toss boxes onto the porch. He was busy and whenever we checked on him he appeared to be working hard. So we went on about our business.

"I'm done" he cried out... (no matter how hard we have tried to teach them to ask us to come and check to see if, in fact, they *are* done, he always just announces he is done... but I digress.)

Mr. T and I stepped in to the kitchen door to inspect his work and laying in the middle of the clean kitchen floor was a pair of dirty socks.

We just cracked up.

The heart of RAD

2010-03-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

Nancy Thomas tells a story about being dragged out on the ice. For those who don't know it, it is a tale about a child who stepped out on the ice before it was completely frozen and fell through.

They were dying and no one came to help. They struggled and fought and screamed and yelled but not one helped. They gasped for breath and went under again and again... they were dying and no one helped. ...

finally they were able to somehow pull themselves out and to the shore on the other side of the lakes, where they lay catching their breath and regaining their strength until they could crawl away from the shore. They recovered there across the lake.

They could see people on the other side who were playing and having fun and eventually they even saw people on the ice. Some people came to them and tried to convince them to come back across. They told them the ice would hold them and they would not die... they told them the ice was strong and solid and could hold them up. The child did not believe... how could they. They had almost died and no one had helped. They could only trust themselves. The people tried and tried to convince them but they did not believe.

Then someone came across and said "I love you, you can not stay here alone you must come across the ice ... you will be ok, you will live. And they began dragging them across the frozen ice. The child kicked and screamed... their fear was immense and overwhelming because they knew they would surely die. The person kept saying "I love you, trust me... you will not die" and kept dragging them. The child fought and the grown up moved on.

If they keep going and do not stop the child will be on the other side and will know that the one who loved them spoke truth and did not lie and they did not die.

Nancy T. wrote that story about RAD kids and the fight of the mom.

Today the Lord showed me that I am the one across the ice (my ice is attempting to bring Middle-One back into our home again) and I am kicking and screaming because I have fallen in before and nearly died. HE is saying... "Trust me, I love you... and you must come across the ice"

Trusting is sooooooooo hard. I know.

Random RADness

2010-03-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

*You RAD moms can smile and nod with me ;o)

This afternoon, after therapy, we were all at home seeking our paths to relaxation.. that meant I was at my computer ;o) The boys were going their separate way, much to Middle's displeasure because he was trying to find someone to tag along with. He asked me if he could go outside and I of course said sure. He walked in to the kitchen and I heard him opening the door and heard our little dog Precious skittling to the door to follow him when Middle called out to me

"Mommy, do you want me to let Precious out?"

I replied

"No, sugar and THANK YOU soooooo much for asking!!"

I was so excited that he had checked with me and thought about it first that I jumped up and raced in to the kitchen so he could see my smile.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw him standing outside holding the door wide open and Precious racing off across the yard.

A peek into Attachment Therapy appointment 2

2010-03-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

Today we had our first full appointment in Middle-One's second round of Attachment Therapy.

We have been there, done that and got the t-shirt, poster and the limited edition, collector cup. Our AT tells me that I could probably do this therapy (I hope someday to do just that). Our healing kiddos have every event of the therapy emblazoned on their minds. But Middle-One had completely and conveniently forgotten every single detail... including the rules he was reminded of just last week.

So we began...

Middle-One walked in and stood right in the middle of the room. He had to sign some papers (because he is 14 now and that suddenly makes his able to make choices about his treatment) and then was instructed to remove his shoes and join us on the couch. He kicked off his shoes haphazardly and left them laying where they fell and sat in his dad's place on the couch. LOL

We all stopped, redirected him on where to put his shoes and where and how to sit on the couch. Begin again... He placed his shoes neatly to the side and lay down across my and Mr. T's laps. He let his head loll off my lap and complained about how uncomfortable he was. AT asked him what he could do about it and worked with him to remind him that he could ***ASK*** for what he needed and wanted. After a few attempts he finally was able to ask for help in finding a comfortable position.

Then it's back to the rules of therapy. AT asked him to tell her what the rules are.

"What rules"

"the rules of therapy... there are three, what are they"

"I don't know"

"Well you just broke one of them"

"Three?"

"Yes, three rules"

"rules"

"What are the rules?"

"I don't know"

She expertly and humorously did manage to pry the rules from him.

Then AT asked him again if he wants to get better and have a family (she will keep re-establishing his participation this way). He again, said yes.

AT began..

"Tell me your life story?"

... Middle resumed his "Whose on first" routine...

"What's that?"

"The story of your life"

"What part?"

"All of it, from the beginning"

"When did it begin?"

"Well, I don't know, it's your life... when did it begin?"

"When I was four?"

"Earlier"

"One?"

"You were one when your life began?"

"I don't know"

This would get annoying if AT wasn't so good at injecting humor. She had us all laughing.

The probing went on while Middle-One insisted that he had forgotten his birthmom's name with more "I don't knows" and Mr. T and began to tickle him with every "I don't know" which worked out well because he responded by curling in toward us and laughing.

AT refused to believe that was even possible that birthmom's name had been forgotten, but I was somewhat convinced. But just as I was sliding into total belief, he grinned and said her name...... AT grinned back.

Then she dragged him through the reason he was removed from her care. It was so hard for him to vocalize that he had drugs in his system. So sad to have to face that truth. He mumbled the words but never really pronounced. Some things are so hard to admit... and mothers are not supposed to hurt their babies.

After he had established that he had been born to his birthmom and taken from her and kept a short time to recover form the drugs, we moved into all of the places he has lived.

Foster home, foster home, forever home, hospital, hospital, hospital, RTC (Residential Treatment center), RTC, forever home, hospital, RTC, foster home...

He listed those pretty well. I filled in times and dates as best I could.

Then she asked him why he left his forever home (us) at 6 years old to go to a hospital. He answered...

"I don't know"

*tickle & giggle*

"Well this is your life, what happened?"

"I don't know"

*tickle & giggle*

"There had to have been a reason for you to go to the hospital, what was it?"

I don't know"

*more tickle & giggle but
... he wasn't budging on this one. AT finally asked

"Who would know?"

"mommy"

So AT told him to ask me

"Mommy, why did I go to the hospital?"

I took a deep breath and said

"You were being very aggressive.."

AT stopped me and asked how he was being aggressive... what was he *doing*

She wanted me to be specific and I was using a word that was safe... that didn't really bring back the memories of that time.

I took another deep breath...

"Well, you were throwing things, hitting us, pushing us, biting, kicking... and telling us you were going to kill us"

This still left so much unsaid but all of it was playing out in my mind.

"oh"

AT responded...

"Why were you doing these things to your family?"

Silence... she repeated...

"Why did you do those things to your family?"

"I don't know"

"You can't say I don't know, it's against the rules"

"I was mad" He whispered

"What were you mad at?"

"I don't know"

Things got more serious. AT began to discuss how serious these things were ... so serious that Middle had to leave and go somewhere else.

No emotion. No remorse. Just quiet matter of fact discussion.

AT moved into the close. She held up the list of places that Middle had been and the things he had done and asked him if he really wanted a family. Really truly wanted a family. She explained how we had been there, caring for him and trying to protect him all along, through each and every hospitalization and treatment facility stay... She told him that for him to be able to come home and join his family that he couldn't do these things and we needed to look at why he was so mad, then and now, so that he could deal with that and be a part of his family.

She asked him to name the family he wanted and he said our name.

Then she told him that his goal this week was that he had to listen and follow instructions. She had him repeat that for her, but he seemed to have trouble spitting out those words so he had to repeat it again and again until he could say it loud enough for his brothers to hear in the other room... it took awhile LOL

Then she dismissed him and he was out of there like a bullet.

Visit three

2010-03-25T16:30:00.000-07:00

It was Spring break and birthday weekend for both Middle-One and Bright-Eyes.

We picked him up Friday morning at 9:30 on the dot. He knew we were coming and headed directly to the therapy appointment but still got in the van and announced that he was hungry because they (foster family) hadn't given him breakfast and could we get him something to eat.

"No, I'm sorry you're hungry but it will have to wait until after our appointment"

There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth but no one died.

He also entertained us with tales of dinner at a restaurant and a trip to a family fun center, with his foster fam, for his birthday. The other boys said not a word.

We went to the therapy appointment (another blog entry recounts that event) and then picked up two birthday cakes and headed home.

Friday we celebrated Middle-One's birthday. We had his dinner choice of BBQ ribs in the crockpot. I made his requested mashed potatoes and black-eyed peas. After dinner we had his cake and ice cream and he opened his gifts.

Saturday Middle-One got to be the "birthday-boy" for the day. This means that he did not have to do any chores and did get to be first to play video games. That evening we celebrated Bright-Eye's birthday. He chose meatballs and gravy, mac&cheese, green beans and salad for his dinner. Their dinner choices always confuse me... they can choose ANYTHING after all. After dinner we did Bright-Eyes cake, ice cream and gifts.

Having their birthdays back to back offers us a rare opportunity to compare their behavior in the same circumstances. It is both always a confirmation of Middle-One's mistrust and of Bright-Eyes attachment.

During Saturday the boys played outside while Mr. T and I watched from the kitchen. At one point, Middle-One came inside looking sad. We asked him what was going on and he asked if he could talk to us. He proceeded to explain to us that Bright-Eyes was saying things that hurt his feelings and he wanted him to stop. We asked him what his brother was saying and he explained that he was talking about the past. It turned out that Middle-One didn't like it being brought up that he had been aggressive and that Bright-Eyes was scared of him. We did our best to explain that this is Bright-Eyes past too and since it is the truth and we will be talking about it a lot, it is ok to discuss it. He went on to tell us that Bright-Eyes also mentioned that the reason Middle-One did the things he did was because his brithmom did drugs and alcohol before he was born. Middle-One seemed very offended at this statement about his birthmom. Both Mr. T and I said

"but it's true"

We explained that of course it is sad but that a mom who does drugs and drinks with a baby inside, hurts the baby. That *is* one of the reasons that he has a hard time with his behavior. We went on to reassure him that it was not ok for Bright-Eyes to be mean, but it was all true and nothing we should be ashamed of... after all they were not Middle-One's choice. They were the choice of his birthmom.

He began to cry and Mr. T and I both had a rare chance to offer comfort in sadness.

Sunday Bright-Eyes got to be the "birthday-boy" with no chores and first choice on games. Predictably Middle-One began to have trouble. The concept of someone else being preferred if a difficult one for him to grasp

We have been working on and encouraging Middle-One to learn to find things to do, on his own (without watching over every one's shoulder). So when he would not leave anyone alone and the other boys were desperately seeking us to entertain Middle-One, we decided to create some "quiet-time" lists.

I told Ebear ahead of time and asked for his help in setting an example of enthusiasm. I should have done the same with Bright-Eyes because he really struggled at first with the concept... but they both did get on board and sat down to make a list of at least 10 things that they can do alone and with no supervision. Middle-One was not as anxious to obey. He argued, whined, refused and debated... for about 20 minutes, then he sat down to struggle through the task. He got four things... then complained a while. Added 3 more for a total of 7 and asked if that was enough...

"No, we said 10"

I got the coveted glare of death ;o)

But, he eventually had 10... he did repeat one once but we'll let that go. ;o)
We hung the lists on the bulletin board in the kitchen and exuded praise and excitement about getting to use them.

Sunday afternoon while doing laundry in preparation of taking Middle back to his foster home, his foster care provider (hence forth known as FCP... because I have petty and immature issues sharing the role of parent) called. She asked if we could bring Middle-One back right now. I explained that we were not ready to go at the moment but asked what was going on and why she needed us to do that. She explained that she had to leave for work in 30 minutes............... ummmmmmm........ First of all, we live an hour away. This is known. I reminded her that we live too far away to be able to get there that quickly, even if we were ready to walk out the door right now... which we weren't.

"Oh" she said.

She then explained that the county didn't have school scheduled for the next day so we could keep him with us for another night. I swallowed hard and smiled and said

"Of course, I guess that's what we will do"

And that is how Middle-One got to stay and extra day. We did present this to the other boys on a positive and upbeat note. It didn't work.

Monday was not good.

We did not have Middle-One's meds and we did not have anything to keep him occupied. We had school and chores to do because it was no longer the weekend. Middle did not have school work. He did his chores but then was lost. I suggested that he use his "quiet-time" list (created the day before) he refused. He got increasingly disruptive and hyper throughout the day.

At about 3:00 Bright-Eyes lost it. Clenching his fists and doubling up crying and sobbing he wailed

"Why is he here, I want him to leave"

Too much brotherly togetherness me thinks.

I expressed to the FCP and SW later that if this should happen again we need to have some advance notice. But I am glad this happened. It revealed to us just how much we need to work on before Middle can come back home.

A peek into Attachment Therapy - Appointment 1

2010-03-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

We have been through three rounds of Attachment therapy. First with Middle-one (not successful/no advancement), then with Ebear (very successful/healing) and are still in therapy with Bright-eyes (so far successful). Now we are also beginning again with Middle-one. I have decided to share it with the world ... well, at least with y'all ;o)

A brief intro to Attachment Therapy... It is very different than traditional talk therapy.

In traditional therapy or counseling, the counselor works toward building a trust based relationship with their client, they provide a private inviornment when the client can say anything they think and feel and not be concerned that the therapist will share that info. It is also client-led. The counselor will ask the client (in this case the child) what they have been doing, what they want to talk about, what problems they are having... they let the client introduce the issues and talk things out.

In attachment therapy the counselor doesn't encourage a relationship or trust with themselves and the client. In fact the client will often dislike the therapist. Instead the therapist facilitates bonding and attachment between the child and the parents. The therapist does not ask the client what the issues or problems are, they work with the parents and the clients history to find out what the issues have been and then present those to the client. It is totally therapist led.

Our 1st appointment: (10:30 AM - 2:30 PM)

We finished the intake paperwork with our Attachment Therapist who will be referred to as AT.

We had our "Family" session first. This part of the session is for Mr. T and I to discuss and work on our feelings and parenting. We usually talk about all of the boys and AT helps us to organize a plan to address the latest issues. She also works with us on our own fears and doubts... So at this session we discussed Bright-Eye's regression and fears. Middle-One's recent outburst at school and what that means to and for us. Which led to us discussing my fears of his return.

This was the first time in four years that all three of them were in the waiting room togther... alone. So we had a few interuptions to do crowd control and it took us a long time.

We brought Bright-Eyes in first. He sits between Mr. T and I. AT asked him how things were going. He admitted that they were not going well. She went on to discuss his fears and how he is trying to control everything in the house. She explained to him how he is the kid and not equipped to be in charge and that mom and dad can and are protecting him. We were surprised when he admitted that the reason he had begun sleeping on the floor of his bedroom was because he could see the shadows of anyone in the doorway and could watch... just in case Middle-One should try to get him in the night. It makes me so sad that he is so afraid. Then she asked him what his goals are and he told her his three goals (follow instructions the first time, make eye contact and talk about his feelings) AT dismissed him and asked him to send in Middle-One.

Middle -One came in and immediately took charge (not surprising for an anxious RAD)... He told us all that he was sitting in a chair to the side. He was told he wasn't, and that he needed to be on the couch with his mom and dad. So he sat on the edge. The AT asked him if he remembered therapy. He claimed he didn't (although he had been talking to us about it before the appointment). She asked him first if he wanted to get better and be a part of his family. He said he did. She then told him that in this therapy the kids are supposed to remove their shoes and lay across the laps of their mom and dad. He said

"I'm not laying on their laps, I'm almost 14!" ...

we LOL. She told him that some of her clients were 19 and 20 and they had to lay across their parents' laps too.... then she asked again

"Do you want to get better?"

He said he did and she said

"lay down".

He layed down in a silly way and she redirrected him to the correct position. He closed his eyes and crossed his arms. She explained that this was just a reintroduction to the therapy and that he needed to remember that this was how it was done. She then asked him if he remembered the three rules of therapy. He said no. She told him that he was expected to make eye contact with who ever was speaking, to answer questions with full sentances and he could not say "I don't know"... she asked him to repeat them. With eyes closed, he said

"huh?"

LOL... Great start! The second try wasn't any better and she had to help him remember how to move his mouth to talk. He did finally repeat the three rules and she let him get up and put his shoes back on.

Next week ought to be a lot of fun ;o)

Visit two

2010-03-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

Well with our third visit nearly over I figured I better get something about the second visit posted before it got lost in time and space...

Our second visit was just an overnighter.

Ebear had just had shoulder surgery on Thursday and we had no idea how he was going to do or what we would need to plan for, so we had our therapist plan for a possible appointment on Friday that we may not make. We are blessed to have a therapist who will roll with the punches with us. She said whatever we were able to do was fine.

Middle-one called on Thursday evening to ask how his brother was and make sure he was ok... and to ask about the therapy appointment and his visit. He seemed very anxious. We explained to him... again... that we would have to take care of Ebear first and would come get him if we were able to.

Well, no one slept on Thursday night... Don't know why we didn't anticipate THAT! LOL. Obviously we would need to be up providing pain meds and helping Ebear.

Friday morning arrived and it was an easy decision to cancel the appointment fortunately we had told Middle-one that we would call him Friday, if we didn't pick him up from school.

Friday Ebear was doing ok and resting well so we decided to go get Middle-one on Saturday for an overnight. We told him that we would pick him up and settled in to take care of his brother.

Saturday Mr. T went to get Middle-one. Middle was in good spirits. He and Bright-eyes played well together... which was unusual and rather surprising. Ebear, however was mostly ignored. Even though he was centrally located in his dad's recliner, in the living room, Middle one all but ignored him. Never asked how he was or talked to him at all.

Middle-one had plenty to say to us however... to Mr. T and I he argued and defended, every chance he got.

And got mad at us because we would not let him eat all the Jambalaya (after he had seconds) and wanted to save some in case Ebear wanted more to eat. ... the same ole food battle. How do you teach a child who is only aware of his own needs and wants, that the family needs to eat TOO!!!

We were just happy to not have Bright-eyes be the target de' jour.

Birthday cake battle

2010-03-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

I just spent over an hour of my life, standing in front of the WalMart bakery counter, battling a controlling, obsessive 10 year old, trying to order a birthday cake.

I ended up in tears and do not want to EVER do that again.

To say that Bright-Eyes has vision and solid expectations would be an understatement. He always knows, unwaveringly, just what he wants. Most years I work hard to bake and decorate the cake he envisions (that wrestling ring cake just about pushed me over the edge). This year the oven is broken and he found himself at the mercy or the WalMart bakery and our budget.

Going in I had done what I could to prepare him. I told him the size that we would be able to buy and tried to convince him that the WalMart bakers could probably *not* do a three layer, fudge-filled, custom Nerf gun cake...... Obviously he wasn't quite convinced.

To his credit he did hold it together when he realized the Nerf gun dream was not to be, though I think both of us were somewhat offended at the vast outnumbering of boys cakes by the endless princess and fairy cakes... but when he saw the size cake that I wanted to order he lost all ability to compromise.

I really can't say that I blame him much. The smaller cakes were just plain ugly. The icing was smeared, the decorating plain... It looked as if they had worked hard to make them unappealing so that parents would end up ordering the larger cakes... effective strategy.

At this point Bright-Eyes has reached the "lock-down" point. In this stage he can't compromise or even reason. Often he can't even hear the spoken word. He knows what he wants and would just as soon go without a birthday cake all together ( I don't want anything then!!! Can we just leave?). This would be fine if his was the only birthday we were celebrating, but, I had to order a cake for his brother (Middle-One) too. This delay gave Bright-Eyes time to try to figure out some way of salvaging his day.

That is actually a pretty good thing for him to do, though not a pleasant thing for me to experience. He was at least accepting that I wasn't able to get what he wanted... so he said he wanted donuts.

Ok, we walked over to the donuts and looked. I asked him if he was sure he wouldn't end up missing having a cake... No, he insisted, he wanted donuts. He went on to say that it is his birthday and he should be able to choose the treat and so could choose donuts instead of a cake if he wanted to........... *listening to the crickets chirping while biting my tongue*. I explained that we would have to wait then and pick them up on the day of his celebration because donuts get stale. He said ok... and I want *these* donuts and pointed to a box filled with half chocolate and half white... good choice. So I said ok and turned back to the cake counter to order Middle-one's cake and Bright-Eyes voice stopped me in my tracks with

"I think I want cupcakes"

Taking a deep breath and putting love in my eyes and getting my nurture on, I turned around slowly. ............................

"ok sugar, then let's look at the cupcakes"

The fact that this scene plays out like a bratty prima-Dona child playing puppet with mommy, is not lost on me at all. I do remember those years BEFORE adopting when I would have judged this scene up one side and down the other, and walked away with a smug "I won't let MY kids do that!". But, I am not that person any more and I knew where Bright-Eyes "high-anxiety" need for control came from. I knew that he was already stressed because his RAD brother would be home sharing his birthday weekend. I knew that his thoughts ran to "I wonder if my birthmom is thinking of me/loves me/wants to see me/regrets giving me away. I knew that this was a little boy who had a vision for his special day and was having to let go of it step by step and trust someone else with his dream.

We looked at the cupcakes... for about 3.7 seconds and he said

"no, I guess I'll just get donuts"

Things began to get blurry at this point ... must have been the love in my eyes. At some point I recall that Ebear (who is just one week post op) came up to me and took the cart and the list and said "I'll shop" And I realized then that we hadn't even gotten groceries!

We went back and forth on the cupcake/donut dilemma a couple of time before I was finally able to get Bright-Eyes to admit that he did really want a birthday *cake* but figured if he couldn't have a cake he would get something else.

Back to square one...

"Sugar, you *can* have a cake, just not the cake you wanted"

I asked him to tell me what he wanted. The Nerf cake... ok, I know!! but next, after the Nerf cake... He points to the huge-by-large cake displayed at the counter, with the toy jeep on it...

"That one"

..... ummmm... ok, not THAT one. It costs too much. Besides THAT one, which cake do you want? He walks over and points to an Easter cake with a cross.

"I want that cake"

"So you want a cake that size?"

..."No, that cake" ...

Somewhere in here I realized that Bright-Eyes is not getting that we can order a cake and have options for change. So I tell him that he can have a cake that size and we can have them put the jeep on it instead. There was a moment of understanding and I swear I heard angels sing.

....."OH!!!!!!!!.... ok, I want that cake *pointing to the Easter cake* with the jeep on it and Happy Birthday to me!" .......

*angels stopped......cue crickets*..............

*using all of my good communication skills I mirrored*

"So, this is what you want... THAT cake, with the flowers, chocolate frosting stars and cross, with a jeep, right?"

"No flowers"

..... Well, I felt that we were making progress.

I heard my phone ring and answered it to discover Ebear calling (for the third time) to ask what flavor of ice cream to get..... don't ask me why I did what I did next, I will never be able to provide any acceptable answer..... I turned to Bright-Eyes and asked

"What flavor ice cream do you want?"

................After much discussion, He chose cookie dough.

After more discussion he chose a medium sized cake, agreeing to pay the difference out of some birthday money so that he could have a larger cake than I could afford. He chose chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and a black border. He asked them to write happy birthday to him on the bottom left side (I told you he has specific vision and expectations) and to leave room on the right side so that we can add army vehicles from the $ store. On the left top corner he asked for the sugar cross on the Easter cake.

"Sweetie?" I asked "Are you sure you want the cross... just because it's on the cake on display doesn't mean you have to have it"

He looked at me like I had grown a third eye and said

"It represents God... I love God"

SOLD!

The process was longer and more painful that having a root canal but it ended in success. ... I think. Because success isn't measured in winning but in moving one more step down the path.

A glimpse of the light

2010-03-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

I'm still too annoyed to write about visit two so I'm going to write something that references the title and goal, of this blog. To focus and point to the "Light".

Throughout this time of transition, while we struggle with parenting Middle-one and comforting and protecting Bright-eyes, it becomes more obvious that Ebear is healing.

He is not pulled in by Middle-one's behaviors and attempts to create chaos. He aligns himself with us now, embracing our family's values. He reminds the other two that mom and dad are in charge and that they should listen/obey/stop etc.

We are not only able to let Ebear be our eyes and ears but he even politely offers to watch the younger boys if we are busy. He comforts us when we are sad and encourages us when we are getting frustrated. He is becoming a very healthy and stable young man who is learning how to have good relationships and communicate without manipulation.

I am watching this new dynamic with increasing gratitude and overcoming joy. Healing IS possible!!!!!!!!!

Reactive Attachment Disorder is...

2010-03-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

Reactive Attachment Disorder is the result of God's plan for a child going horribly awry.

Now I know I'm rubbing some theologies the wrong way... that's ok, my blog, my opinion ;o) I know that God said HE knows the plans HE has for us. .. to prosper us, to give us hope and a future and not to harm us. I believe that God's plan for each child is to be loved, cherished, nurtured, held, looked at, seen, touched, rocked, fed, sung to, and protected.

I know that in the real world this doesn't always happen. In fact in my oldest boys' worlds it did not happen. Instead they were rejected, ignored, abandoned, starved, yelled at, left cold, passed around, exposed to danger, uncared for and forgotten. I believe that is more in line with the plans of the thief... that would be the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy.. It's just his typical MO.

So I believe in the absence of the plan of the Father Creator, the thief destroyed part of the spirits of these children.

In the same way I think that the lost world is the result of God's plan for the human race going horribly awry.

But HE is a redemptive God. He made a way for us humans to come to Him and to be made whole. He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Trusting Him is hard.

For our kids, trusting us is hard... but there is a way to healing. It is possible! God can create a way out of brokenness.

We've seen Him do it.

Tornado season

2010-03-08T11:30:00.000-08:00

The return of the RADical one is much like the looming Spring tornado season in Alabama...

The absense of sun and warmth make the gentle weather feel nice after a long winter. We try not to think about what might lie ahead. We know that in the past, every time Spring has come to us, there have also episodes of tumultuous weather, some of it even dangerous.

There is no predicting where or when a threatening storm will occur, but we know for sure they will.

In an attitude of denial we embrace the mild weather and enjoy each sunny calm day as if it is our last.

Visit one

2010-03-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

This weekend was the first "transition" visit with our son.

After 3 years and 4 months ...The plan, according to the ISP, is to visit and attend therapy every week and then move him home in June, after school is out.

Sounds easy enough...

However, we have 10 y/o ds in a PTS melt-down over the return of his brother,, alternately planning his escape and controlling every breath we take.

Friday morning was a comedy of errors! I had been immobilized by a stomach virus the day before so had missed the email from therapist about the delay of our appointment. Mr. T has risen early fighting his own queasy stomach, and gone to the other side of the county to pick our middle one up from school. We were supposed to check him out and take him to the therapy appointment then back home for a fun-filled weekend for five! The plan hit it's first snag right out of the starting gate when the school decided to look at the actual sign out card to see if the child's father was on it....... and he wasn't (so even though we had attended numerous meetings and had checked him out twice before, it was a no-go). At that point Mr. T became suspect number one in a one suspect child kidnapping ring and was the subject of great hostility and steely-eyeball stares until we could reach the foster parent so that she could come to the school and check out the child and hand him over the the would be kidnapper... enter snag two.... Where oh where has the foster parent gone, O, where O where can she beeeeeeeeee......... after a few tries it turned out she was in the next county but would be right there to check the unsuspecting victim out. Meanwhile, it has been decided to cancel the therapy appointment because we can't make it... so we cancel. Enter snag three... we are told that whileit really is no one's fault, our son has no medication and we must now ALSO go and get a prescription from the pharmacy... that is, unless we just want to go without medication for the weekend. So, Mr. T goes ahead and brings the middle one home and we begin our visit.

The rest of the day actually went pretty well. The boys played outside and some neighbor boys joined them.. well, until Bright-Eyes freaked out and got controlling and bossy and scared them off. That may have been three years worth of trustbuilding and social skill practice out the window. Time will tell.

Saturday was pretty much the same. But we began to see the usual tiring of routine that shows up about 24 hours after Middle one is home. He is bored and wants to watch everything everyone is doing and no one wants him hanging over their shoulder watching and he refuses to do anything on his own... it's a vicious cycle. Since we were celebrating Ebear's 16th birthday he didn't lose it, but let us know that he wasn't happy. Any talk of Ebears birthday was added to by Middle one's "self" talk. If Ebear talked about his birthday cake then Middle one talked about the bigger and better cake HE would have... if Ebear talked about his gift then Middle one talked about the bigger and better gift that HE would have (his announcement that we were getting him a car brought gails of laughter). As you can imagine, this tires one rapidly.

We had to one injury of the weekend on Saturday. Both the younger ones were playing outside and Mr. T was watching them... unrelentlessly and aggressively watching them... then they asked if they could go into the woods. Mr. T said yes, but just on the edge and he followed them to the edge and stood just feet away... then he turned his back. Just for a minute... and he was right there after all, but the screaming penetrated the house and I ran outside hearing Bright Eyes yell "STOP!!! STOP!!! STOP!!!!" Mr. T held up his hand and simply said "I've got it, it's fine"... it was a moment of deciding to choose the marriage and stuff the mother down into the nearest driveway rut. I swallowed, looked to the sky and said.... "umm... ok" and went back inside. A while later Bright eyes appeared with a bloody gash on the side of his head. I cleaned him up and bandaged as best I could. Mr. T told me what happened and I knew it could have easily had been me who was at the edge of the woods and him running out of the door.

Sunday was a different day. The boys were up at daybreak. Wandering the house and whispering until we woke up, long before the alarm was set to go off. They were playing video games, we told them "no", They were in the way so we told them "go". We had lost our proactive edge and were reacting and there was no getting ahead of them.

We did manage to get ready for church, eat breakfast and get on the road.

After Sunday School we were to meet up with the older boys for church. However I couldn't find the older boys. I located Ebear in the coffee shop and asked him where Middle was... he pointed and I saw my son at the counter about to purchase something... the world went into RADmotion... I asked "What is he doing?" Ebear replied that he was getting a hot chocolate... I asked "Where did he get money?"... Ebear pointed to another boy who innocently smiled at me and said "Don't worry, he didn't ask for the money, he (pointing to the other boy) just gave it to him"... the other boy nodded sweetly and I KNEW that I KNEW that I KNEW, with every fiber of my being that the poor child had just been had. I dashed to the counter just in time to stop the transaction and announce "No hot chocolate for him", to which the server looked up and asked me incredulously, with shock in her eyes... "He can't have a hot chocolate?"....... the whole coffee shop screeched to a silent halt and all stared at me as if I was the most horrible mother ever to walk the earth.... I could hear the whispers, feel the icy stares... I swallowed hard, met her questioning eyes and said "no". Retrieving the conned child's money we returned to the table where middle one reluctantly handed it back to the now confused boy and grudgingly followed me and Ebear from the coffee shop. Mom 1, Middle one 0... the game was on.

Secrets

2010-02-17T22:29:00.000-08:00

I announced tonight that our son would be coming home. After 3 years and 3 months out of our home, our 13 year old is to return.

Cries of joy filled the air. Friends and not so friends, rejoice. After all, it must be a joyful occasion to have a child return after being gone. To have the fullness of family restored after being only a partial family for so long.

..... isn't it?

Could there be a reason for this grief that fills my soul and rips at my heart. This anger and sense of injustice that have me raging like a two year old inside while I paste on a smile outside.

Don't forget the pain

2008-10-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

I have never been pregnant. I have not given birth. I have heard women who have birthed their children say "You forget the pain". It is their testimony to love and bonding that when you hold that tiny babe in your arms, the love overshadows the pain and you forget it.

I can not let myself forget the pain he brought into our home.

Now, we visit him at his facility home. He smiles and hugs us. He says he loves us. He acts like any other child. He isn't. It's the peace of proximity. I find myself enjoying his company. He is, at times, fun to be with. I let my guard down... just for a second and BAM!!! He strikes. Like a hypnotic cobra. It's as if he is waiting and watching until I am not. I can't allow him to get too close. I can never entertain the thoughts of him returning home. He can't come back.

I regurgitate the memories from deep down in a lost place. I pull them up, one by one until my soul shudders at the sight of them.

I play them out ...

He is leaning off of his loft bed, hanging onto the light fixture and pulling it from the ceiling. My heart jolts me to action and I run to turn the power off before he electrocutes himself.

He is mad because I don't give him the answers to his homework. He starts to walk out of the room. I turn... I didn't see the chair. He grabbed it and threw it so quickly and fiercely that no one had time to duck. Thank God it missed his brother's head by a couple of inches. The lamp is dead.

He is stuffing things into the electric heater. I have to turn it off and restrain him. The heat leaves the house much too quickly and we all pay the price.

He is mad at me (Why?) He is across his room from me as I try to help him calm himself and process his feelings. He jumps once and bounces off the window. I try not to react because to react might make him more agitated. He jumps again and I move toward him... not fast enough. He jumps a third time and throws himself into the window. I didn't know Plexiglas could shatter. He has cuts but it could have been worse... I think.

He wants more at dinner. He has had three helpings and I need to save some food for my husband. I know he has had enough but he doesn't. He reaches into the pan on the stove scooping out a handful of the food saved for his dad. I reach out and grab his fist. The punch comes swiftly and unexpected to my face. It stings and shocks me to the core. He hit me!! It's not the first time.

I hear my oldest scream. I run and find him sitting against the wall with blood encircling his nose. It's a bite mark. It looks like someone has tried to bite his nose off. I turn and he is playing... quietly and completely uninterested in the pain. He caused it but it effects him not. My heart is chilled at the sight. It won't be the last time.

He is two and he is the Tin Man. Stiff to hug and in need of a heart.
He is three and he never sleeps. He climbs around during the night and we are scared.
He is four and he looks at dead things. Chops up lizards and tells me he wants our house to burn.
He is five and throws things. No warning. Sometimes in anger, sometimes to play with us.
He is six. He runs faster than I do. He has no fear of consequences. I am terrified he will be hit by a car.
He is seven and punches his baby brother in the head, just to make me angry.
He is eight and he watches me all the time.
He is nine and he has mastered the game of cat & mouse.
He is ten and too dangerous to live with.

I hold onto these memories like a well worn scrapbook. They are our life with him.

He is a boy who was robbed of his life before he entered it. We are a family who was robbed of the joy of his presence. ... the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but HE came to bring life... and that more abundantly.

We have all paid the price.. for what? How does God use THIS? How does He work all of THIS together for the good of those who love him. I LOVE YOU LORD!! How will you make this work out for our good?

The pain is all I have of this child. I can't forget the pain.

Two years

2008-10-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

It has been two years.

Two years since the shadows wrapped them selves around our hearts and tried to pull us under.

Two years ago my 10 y/o tried to kill my 7 y/o. My heart was broken my soul was shattered, my life haulted. I didn't believe we would make it.

We made it.

Trapped on The Rollercoaster

2007-05-09T05:46:00.000-07:00

That's where I'm at.

I'm trapped on a wild roller coaster and no one can turn it off or slow it down.
The only respite is in the seconds when it climbs slowly upward preparing for another descent...but it's not really a respite because I know the drop is coming, I see the signs and have no choice...no power to stop it.

There's no break from the fear and stress.

Even the people who like roller coasters are scared and tired and screaming to be let off...for those of us who don't like roller coasters the experience is too much to deal with.
The constant twisting and turning, climbing and dipping affects my whole body and I feel sick and lose perspective.

I can't tell up from down any more. I'm forgetting what life is like on the ground.

Someone pull the leaver.

Please...make it stop!!!

On My Soapbox

2007-01-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

No more than we can bear...YEAH RIGHT!

So help me, if one more person tells me that God will not give me more than I can bear, I will spew...and not just spew, but will make sure it is particuarly NASTY!!!!

Let's review this, shall we?...

The Word (of God) says this...

1st Corinthians
13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

What is this talking about? Idols, sin...our walk with God. It is NOT reffering to (are you listening) PROBLEMS!!!!!!!

Let me be dirrect here...I don't even believe that a lot of problems come from God...who do they come from. Well, let's see...who is the thief, who seeks to STEAL, KILL and DESTROY?...hmmmmmmmm?....Who is it?????????...could it be....

SATAN!!!!!!!!!

Bingo, Sparky!

Satan gives me more than I can bear. He gives a lot of people more than they can bear. If we could bear it we wouldn't be leaning on the everlasting arms, would we?

Now...who is it that gives us the strength we need so that we might do ALL things...hmmmm?....yes THIS will be on the test.

JESUS!!!!!!!...You know, the king of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the redeemer, the Word...etc, etc...

Oh, by the way...he is the one who comes to give LIFE and to give the everlasting.

But wait, you say...doesn't he say that we will suffer trials and tribs? he will work all things for my good (only if ya love him)...and doesn't he say He will never leave us...yeah yeah yeah...it does, and he meant it. But he didn't cause it so don't tell me again that he won't give me more than I can bear ...

Because I have been on the "More than I can bear" cycle for about three years now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Roll over Sparky.

On My Soapbox

2007-01-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

Labels...

Yes, we don't want our children labeled. We can't have them cursed and under a tag that will hang around their neck for the rest of their life!!!!!

No, I guess what we *want* to do then is bury our heads in the sand and just treat the symptoms...right?

Isn't that what we get so mad at physicians about? We (parents) don't want to take our children into the Dr just to have them feed antibiotics over and over in an effort to corral whatever the problem might be.

We want a Dr to examine our children...to see the problem...to hear the symptoms...to find the reason...to tell us what we can do to fix it.

We don't want our little cherubs to suffer with strep throat while a Dr treats them for cold and flu.

Yet we will refuse to allow a psychiatrist to examine, and diagnose because we don't want to label our children.

Fine...go ahead...let me know how treating a Bipolar child as if he has clinical depression, works for you. You can call me, or better yet, don't, the first time the child has a psychotic reaction to an antidepressant. How about we treat them all for ADHD, that ought to be fun with a child who has Reactive Attachment Disorder! That little remorseless control freak will fry you up and eat you with catchup, while laughing out loud at your reward charts and check lists.

As for me and my family we want a diagnoses...and a correct one and we want it NOW!!!!

I have been told that most therapist, psychologists and psychiatrists will just slap the diagnoses de'jour on whoever walks in their door, but I have yet to find these proffessionals. The people I take my children to are a little too far right of careful for me. They are not wielding a giant ADHD or Bipolar stamp ready to brand a wee forehead, no they want to wait (FOR WHAT?). They don't want to label a child with an incorrect diagnoses...WHY NOT!!!!! The professionals seem to have and inability to commit. They don't diagnose unless under duress.

ACK!!!! Label my child already. They have a problem!! It is not a secret!!! They need help...and they need the right kind so quit wasting my time by being careful. While you are trying to take care of the child that God gave ME!! My child is growing up and losing more and more ground because we can't pursue correct treatment.

Why can't we pursue correct treatment? Because YOU great and mighty psychiatrist hold the power to give my child hope and a future or not (God complex?...GET OVER IT!!!)

It is my understanding that a boat that's in the water already, even if pointed in the wrong direction, is easier to turn than a boat in DRYDOCK!!!

You don't treat Near sightensess with Insulin, you can't cure cancer with a cast...DO NOT tell me that a stimulant will help my PTSD child handle emotional triggers better...it won't. But do step out and diagnose. Quit worrying about a law suit while my child's life is scarred, destroyed and tossed aside.

Who went to medical school here...get a clue, get a DSM-IV!! and give me a script!!!

I sold my dreams today...

2006-02-24T08:56:00.000-08:00

The two checks that arrived in the mail today, mark the end of our home schooling journey and of my candy bouquet business.

I will pack up both the curriculum and the business supplies that defined who I was ...Dreams to go.

I am left with some ready cash (were my dreams worth it?) and a dream debit.

Who will I be now?

Normal Is Just A Setting On The Washing Machine (Part 2)

2005-11-08T07:06:00.000-08:00

We allowed our dream to shift and change, like the sand on a beach.

One dream wasn't better than the other, just different. So we let ourselves dream. We began to read and explore adoption options and as we did the faces of the littles in our dreams changed

They became different color, then they became older, and sometimes they appreared in groups..

Everything was uncertain.

It is understood that once you are expecting it takes 9 months to become parents. Then, if all goes well, you are rewarded with a brand new baby. You bond, you love, you pour yourself into that child and become a family.

Now there was no way to know how long it might take for a child to join us. They wouldn't be a new baby, they would look different, they might have disabilities, problems and imperfections. They might not even want us!

It sounded strong and heroic to take on children who were so needy. Surely God would give us the strength. God would use us as catalystlist for their healing. With us, praying and believing, He would make them whole.

The weed was being pulled and broken and torn. The roots remained.

Looks Like You Lost Your Best Friend

2005-11-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

So I did.

In fact I lost nearly all of my friends.

For the past 5 or 6 years I have been a member of an online community. A huge group of women who were brought together by homeschooling but stayed together for friendship and support.

They were my friends.

We shared everything that we lived. We discussed what we were having for dinner and what our deepest fears were...we talked about our marriages, or lack there of. We talked about our children, our pets, our pasts, our dreams and hopes. We supported one another during great trials and tribulations. We argued, discussed, debated and taught...all the while we attempted to always respect each other as a sister in Christ.

They were my only supprt during the days I was learning of the depths of my boys' dissorders.

Then one among them decided that I had lied. I didn't. I try to always tell the truth, even to my own loss...but she was certain. She had friends who believed her and their friends believed them. Soon even people who knew me well questioned my honesty and integrity.

One day I arrived at the "community" to discover dozens of women discussing my integrity. This was gossip or course...and slander, but no one pointed that out.

2 months later it still breaks my heart to think of the loss and the lies. Although, one woman later contacted me privately and apologized. Still, there will never be a place among them for me, again.

How deep the hurt of the betrayal of a friend.

Normal Is Just A Setting On The Washing Machine (Part 1)

2005-11-07T07:56:00.000-08:00

Like a weed breaking through the sidewalk, the dream had sprouted and grown without me noticing…until it was too late. Suddenly I realized that I longed for a normal family (does anyone long for an abnormal family?). The roots were deep and strong, imbedded way down in the rocky soil of my heart. It would not be easily pulled out.

I wanted little boys and girls in overalls and sneakers, ball caps and bows, who would catch fireflies, chase lizards, gasp at fireworks, pick flowers and gaze at stars. We would pounce on rain puddles, curl up and read fairy tales, we would dance and sing and blow dandelions. I played the dream again and again in my mind. Christmas mornings in my mind, were filled with organized chaos, chatter, giggling little voices calling to one another. Even the problems were played out in my mind. Little ones struggling to overcome their selfish or impulsive desires while mommy and daddy helped them to grow and reach beyond their abilities. They would be so grateful for our wisdom and skill. Love wrapped us all in warmth and tying us together. This was engraved upon my heart.

In my early fantasies these little ones were tiny versions of my husband and me. Little rosey cheeked, pale skinned, sandy haired people who reflected back our own features, and characteristics.

The first painful yank on that weed came years after it’s germination…we were infertile. Those little clone like people never arrived.

We decided to adopt. The images of those little people began to fade…

There is a way that leads to life

2005-11-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

I am a Christian, a wife and the mother of three boys, by adoption.

My hope lies in the Light of the World, but my days are shadowed by the mental illness and disorders that my boys battle. I hold to the fact that where there is shadow, there must also be light. The title of my blog came from the song lyrics below.

I will share more...in time.

There is a way that leads to life
The few that find it never die
Past mountain peaks graced white with snow
The way grows brighter as it goes

(Chorus) There is a road inside of you
Inside of me there is one too
No stumbling pilgrim in the dark
The road to Zion's in your heart
The road to Zion's in your heart

The river runs beside the road
Its waters living as they flow
In liquid voice the water calls
On thirsty knees the pilgrim falls

Sometimes a shadow dark and cold
Lays like a mist across the road
But be encouraged by the sight
Where there's a shadow, there's a light

Sometimes it's good to look back down
We've come so far - we've gained such ground
But joy is not in where we've been
Joy is who's waiting at the end

...Petra, The road To Zion