Yzma, put your hands in the air!

The ride has left the station... ascended to the first pinnacle and spilled over into that first breath-sucking plunge... but tonight it leveled out around a soft curve and we could see the beautiful scenery and hear the birds...

Tonight, Middle talked to me... No, I meant REALLY talked to me!!!!! He had been horrible. Life here with him had been unbearable. He seemed to be feeding off of our misery and we were ready for him to just be gone again.

Then, without warning, he stepped out of the RAD skin and appeared to me in his true original form. That of a boy. He began to tell me that he was afraid and it was hard not to be. He admitted to not trusting us and that it was hard to trust. He confessed that he wanted to trust us but didn't always know how.

He talked about how he didn't want to make us feel afraid. Especially Bright-Eyes. He cried while he spoke about how he didn't want to hit any of us and how he tried and worked to keep from doing that. He said he wanted to be with us and didn't like to be separated in his room because it reminded him of the time-out room at facilities. He said that sometimes when we got mad at him that it reminded him of staff at facilities and he didn't like that, but he knew he did things to make us mad.

He also took responsibility for the behavior he had demonstrated as of late. He talked about his feelings during the behavior but was quick to say that he was still responsible for acting like he did.

He assured me that he does really love us and he wants to have a good life, but sometimes he acts up and gets mad and gets "lost" in the mad. He said he feels like his day is ruined then so why change.

He said he doesn't want to be a criminal and end up in juvenile detention. He wants to trust us.

He had burned his finger tonight on a hot pan that I had warned him about... he had to touch it when I said it was hot. He told me that if he had only trusted me he would not have burned his finger.

So... the roller coaster took the gentle turn and began another climb... I can't see around the next bend but a friend of mine reminded me tonight that the ride isn't over. While we catch our breath on the slow curves, RADs find them the most frightening part of the ride... so throw your hands in the air and prepare... to... SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!!

The lowest lows and the highest highs

Talk about roller coasters (and yes, we were talking about roller coasters.... RAD *is* a roller coaster!) It has been a non-stop one here, for the past week.

Middle-One had been climbing, dropping, flipping and spiralling out of control for a while now. His behavior had escalated to an extreme state of all-the-time deregulation. Last Tuesday he spent four hours controlling the house while Bright-Eyes holed up in my room behind a locked door and I stood guard. Four... hours........... he watched TV, he played video games, he went through drawers (pulled out a long screwdriver) and ate the ice cream. It was a free for all. Until Wednesday...

On Wednesday Middle came home from school to find that all of the TV and video game stuff had been taken out of the living room and all of his possessions had been removed from his room. No stuff, except what is essential... a blanket, one pillow, deodorant, toothpaste & brush. We told him we would give him clothes daily. We also explained that with each day that he followed his goals, he would get one item back.

"can I pick the one item?"

"No"

The next three days were heavenly. It defies explanation. We had a polite, respectful, attentive, caring, remorseful child. I don't know how... but we saw it with out own eyes. He did his chores. He did extra chores. He was given little bits of privileges (10 minutes of outside time, some quiet reading time) no TV, no playing with friends or his brother. He didn't seem to mind. He actually sat and talked to us... astounding!!!!! Our AT just told us to enjoy it while it lasts.

Today was the fourth day. The end of heaven. The day the music died.......

Today he got bored. Oh whoa is meeeeeeeeeee...... there is nothing to do... well there is reading... well he did get to go outside for longer. But, it's not enough. He got bored. It was out fault (isn't everything really?).

We could see things going south and we tried to talk to him and help him stay on track but there was no preventing this train from derailing.

When he exploded he really exploded.

He banged on a Plexiglas window until he pushed out the window frame and bent the pane. He tried to hit Mr. T (Mr. T blocked it)and grabbed Mr. T's reading glasses off his face and crumbled them (yes Really!!!) in his fist.



Mr. T ended up restraining Middle until I came arrived on the scene.


I wonder if we will climb back up now, or go into a spin... I HATE roller coasters!!!!

Today in Attachment Therapy

Middle-One decided he was done. At the end of his rope. Had gone as far as he could go. He came to a hurdle that is too high.

Therapy (for him) is over.

He can not face the emotional darkness that is his birthmother.

Like magic, when she is discussed, he shuts down. Today AT wanted to try again to get him to talk about her and his feelings. He wouldn't. He simply said he couldn't do it.

She explained to him that this means he doesn't want to join his family and get better. He shrugged and reiterated that he couldn't.

You can take a horse to water... you can pour it on him, sprinkle him with it, even submerge him in it...but you can not make him drink.

AT and i discussed ways of keeping the refreshment of the water ever present and available. Waiting for a break in his shield or a chink in his armour. We will hope that one day he will drink.

Until then, therapy (for him) is over. He will go to session and AT will ask him if he is ready yet to work. If he says no, it's no.

We will pray for the day that he say "yes", and hope we make it to that day.