Friday, May 03, 2013

So how is E?

The question we dread.

We can answer “Fine”, but he isn’t. We can say he is; rebelling, struggling, troubled….whatever descriptor we choose it doesn’t speak the truth or convey the loss and tragedy that is Ebear’s life.

There is no right answer. Most don’t really want to know and those that are interested don’t understand.

The attractive and charming teen boy who was reckless on the football field and won a scholarship to a private Christian college, is homeless, For the third time in 4 months.

So many are quick to judge… “Why don’t you just bring him home?” Well you assume he would willingly come home. Just because he tells you he wants to be home doesn’t make it true. He just wants you to believe that. How else can he convince you he has been abandoned? If you knew the truth…that he wants to be homeless and refuses to come home… you wouldn’t believe it. It defies logic. Why would a 19 year old boy who has no place to lay his head, refuse a roof and three hots and a cot… Why indeed?

“He is such a sweet respectful young man” Really? How nice for you. I’m glad you don’t see the other side of him. You can feel safer thinking that we are just too harsh and strict and unyielding. Go ahead, hold that thought. One day you’ll know the truth.

One thing we learned through the years as our therapist’s clients is that all behavior is for a reason. Figure out what someone is getting from their behavior and you will know what drives them.

E wants….What? …Sympathy? Pity? To throw his parents under the bus? …All of the above?

He certainly is getting a lot of help and attention from those who believe him. So we feel pretty certain he won’t starve. And that is comforting because irrationally, we love him. But he also won’t seek us out and turn to us for help. He won’t trust us or allow us to nurture him and guide him through these difficult years of finding his identity. He has successfully cut us off. Maybe that’s what wanted. Isn’t that what he spent so many years trying to do?

And maybe the answer to that question; “How is E?” is “Alone”.

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