Thursday, April 22, 2010


Bright-Eyes ran away today.

It was the third time since Middle-One began transitioning home.

The first two times were when Mr. T was home and he was able to go after him and bring him back.. Mr. T was working today and I didn't want to call him... I could handle this. We need for him to work and he needs to know that he doesn't have to give up his job and stand guard over the kids again... we are NOT going back to that EVER!!

Middle will be coming home this evening with Mr. T. Obviously it was the foremost thing on Bright-Eye's mind and he could think of, or focus on, nothing else. His stress built up to unbearable and before I knew it he was out the door and down the street.

In a southern rural area, with stray dogs and a few registered sexual offenders, I couldn't let him get too far. Ebear and I grabbed our shoes and hit the road. Ebear on foot and me in the van.

It took us a few minutes to find him and I was wondering if he had taken an off-road route, but he was seen and pointed out by a passing elderly lady. I managed to get him to slow down at a church parking lot but he wouldn't actually stop and refused to talk. He was beyond caring about anything or anyone, he was 100% in flight mode.

He took off down a lonely, narrow, curvy highway. His brother followed to try to talk to him to try to keep him safe... I put on my hazard lights and followed as best I could.

I know I should have felt fear, concern and worry. I should have felt sad for the damage that led to this and caused this child to feel so anxious... but I didn't. In that moment, I was MAD beyond MAD!

So angry at this constant behavior. So infuriated at having to deal with this in not only one or two of my children, but ALL THREE!!! I started out mad at Bright-Eyes... at his lack of remorse or compassion. Mad at his impulsiveness and his lack of trust. Mad at his desperation to escape a home where there was no impending danger... just fear. So so mad at his 11 y/o, anxiety induced, selfishness.

I headed down the highway...

I began asking God why my children did this and why I could do nothing to stop them. I am a good (read WONDERFUL) mom. I treasure my kids. I would protect them with my life. I had researched and learned about their needs and made huge accommodations to meet hem where they are. I work so hard at balancing discipline and blessings... I take parenting seriously. But I adopted children who were hurt and then adopted a baby who got hurt in this chaos of dysfunction.

I passed them with windows down and tried to persuade Bright-Eyes to get in... he refused, a car approached and I moved on...

Then I was (again) so deeply sorry for allowing the hurt, which led to the fear, which led to the behavior... I cried out to God "I'm sorry!!!!!!!"... and then the truth began to explode out like vomit...

I went farther down the highway, realizing again how narrow the road is and how few places there are to pull over or turn around...

"WHY????... Why did you open the doors for these adoptions whey you knew the outcome... we asked you to close the door if it wasn't your will??????"

I circled back to stay close to my boys...

"WHY??? why has this one not healed and this one not trusted....... WHY is this still happening???"

I got caught close to a ditch and couldn't turn around....

"I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I inched out of the situation and headed back again...

"LORD!!!!!! I can't fix this and I don't know what to do.........."

I slowed as I passed again but he wouldn't even look at me...

"I'm so ANGRY............. I'm so angry....... at YOU!!!!!!!!!!!...... I'm mad at you!!!!!!!!"

I screamed at God, pounded the steering wheel and hoped HE was big enough to face my anger...

"WHY... what good can possibly come from this?"

I circled back again.. the boys were getting to an area of highway where there is no room to walk... I was getting desperate..

"What did I ever do to deserve this... I CAN'T protect them!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I circled back... I thought that maybe I was making this about me a little too much...

"You are the only one who can protect them right now... PLEASE keep them safe"

I watched a truck whip around the narrow mountain curve that I knew hid my children from my sight...

"keep them safe!!!"

It was more a demand than request...I sobbed... and circled back again...

I saw that they were safe and past the danger... I went on and parked in the driveway of an old country church and cried.

I went back and forth for over and hour... finally the boys got far enough that they met me at that church and Bright-Eyes was tired enough or far enough from home or relaxed enough to choose to get in the van... He apologized and added his tears to mine.

We went to the park. My anger was gone as soon as he leaned against me and cried and said

"Mommy, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry"

An apology goes a long way. Remorse shown goes a VERY long way. Any sign of health in this child softens me and brings my nurture out.

We sat and talked a long time... my words were the therapeutic words he needed and we processed all of his feelings and thoughts.

School and chore time is gone and I think that any hope of productivity today is blown, like a dandelion in the wind.

Recover and move on... it is our battle cry.

1 comment:

mamatomany said...

Your words bring tears to my eyes, and our prayers are added to your own for healing and safety and trust.